


Star Stuff

by SunTheater



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bae Joonyoung | Jacob-centric, Dialogue Heavy, M/M, Polyamory, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Themes of Mental Health, i think???, jacob falls in love with ;) you know, kevin falls in love with physics, nonbinary chanhee because i said so, not super angsty tho, they're in college so :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunTheater/pseuds/SunTheater
Summary: “Why are you in this class? If you don’t mind me asking.”Kevin smiles again, smaller but just as warm. “Needed a physical science. Required credit. The description on this one said ‘for absolute beginners’, and I had just watched Interstellar.” With a shrug, he adds, “Shit happens.”“Is it living up to the movies?”“Certain movies, yeah.”~Jacob only took the tutoring gig Chanhee offered him so he wouldn't have to start begging his parents for money; it certainly wasn't his dream to teach physics to someone nearly mathematically illiterate. But there's something about Kevin that makes the time they spend together worth it. And even though Jacob teaches Kevin everything from the atom to the multiverse, he thinks he's the one who ends up learning more. Meeting Kevin makes him think, for the first time in years, about what hereallywants.And what he wants has changed.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin, Choi Chanhee | New/Ji Changmin | Q/Kim Younghoon, Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 98
Kudos: 186





	1. Orbit

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by the fact that I'm a social science kid who's found herself in a particle physics/cosmology class this semester. Oh well.
> 
> This is my first chaptered work (though I have one even longer than this that _should_ have been chaptered (oopsy). I have the whole thing written already, so I'm hoping to have it all up pretty quickly, but I am a college student and shit's crazy over here.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and if you're a physics person, feel free to correct my physics or teach me something new in the comments. I'm interested in it, but I'm still very new! Always willing to learn, though.
> 
> Title comes from that Carl Sagan quote, you know the one

Nothing good ever comes through email. It’s a platform built for neutrality, something boring to send all the half-important messages through. His university acceptance letter was posted on the application website. His professor pulled him aside after a lecture to offer him his research position. His internship was solidified over the phone. No girlfriend, no coach, no one telling him he’s won the lottery or set a world record would ever _email_. So nothing good ever comes through email, especially when the sender is Choi Chanhee.

Though one silver lining is that they don’t bother with formalities.

_Subject: hot nerds in your area (click here)_

_some bozo left a message on the maa facebook group asking about help with an astrophysics class, willing to pay for tutoring. i screenshotted his contact info because your bank account makes me sad </3 _

Maybe something good could come through email.

Jacob’s wallet has felt particularly thin recently, and he complains to Chanhee more than anyone else (according to Chanhee, of course). And while an unpaid internship will look good on a resumé, it doesn’t do much in the way of funding his caffeine addiction.

_Why didn’t you just text me about the physics kid_

_felt more like an email matter_

_and i felt guilty about not checking my email for a week_

_killed two birds with one stone_

_You need to check your email!_

_But thank you_

_you’re welcome, i will not be taking your advice_

Jacob saves the screenshot and adds the number as a contact. Spends what Sangyeon would insist is too much time formulating and perfecting the opening text and sends it out. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up. This guy is a college student too, so there’s a very real possibility that he won’t be able to pay Jacob anything close to what his tutoring is worth. But it’s worth a shot.

He wastes time on instagram for seven minutes before he gives up on catching the reply right as it comes in. He has too much reading to get through to wait for a notification from someone who didn’t even realize there was a much more occasion-appropriate facebook group of actual physics students he could post his plea to.

Twenty minutes into classical mechanics, his phone lights up with a text from a name he knows next to nothing about.

_hey!! thank you so much for texting_

_i am doing Not So Great with physics math rn_

_and i'm willing to pay u, don’t worry_

_Well I can certainly help with physics math :)_

_not to rush, but when could you meet up?_

_i have an exam in like four days :/_

He wishes he hadn’t forgone a wall calendar this year, but it’s too late to buy one now. A little over three months left, it wouldn’t make enough difference to justify the cost. So he squints at the tiny text on his phone’s calendar and sighs. Remembers that he needs to save up for a new laptop and signs away his only free evening this week.

_I’m free tomorrow evening_

_Meet at 7?_

_Student union and then we can go somewhere else to study_

_7 works for me!_

_thank u again, i didn’t know if anyone would see my post_

_See you tomorrow :)_

He hates using emoticon smileys. They’re disingenuous and creepy and they make him cringe when he looks back at his messages. But he’s _so_ tired, and he can’t come up with any other way to end the conversation, and he was planning on spending tomorrow night watching movies he’s already seen a million times and drowning himself in cereal. Now he’s spending it with a guy named Kevin.

~

He’s been standing outside the student union for fifteen minutes, wishing he had asked for a picture so he knows who to look for. Really, it should have been one of the first things he did once he set up a time to meet, but his brain fog has been thicker this year than ever before.

He decides he’ll give Kevin another fifteen minutes and pulls his jacket a little tighter around himself. Younghoon had told him to wear something warmer, but the sun hadn’t set yet. Now, with the sky starting to darken early in the evening, he sees his mistake. More, _feels_ his mistake. Maybe fifteen minutes is too long.

“Are, uh, are you…?” a boy in a beanie and glasses asks from an uncomfortable seven feet away.

“I’m Jacob,” he offers, but it turns up at the end like a question.

He smiles and takes his hand out of his pocket to brush his hair away from his ear. “I’m Kevin. Thank you so much for agreeing to help me, and I’m _so_ sorry I’m late,” he apologizes with hands clasped together. “There was a whole thing with my roommate, there was crying-”

“It’s okay,” Jacob assures him. “I haven’t been waiting for too long.”

“The, uh, the caf nearest here is still open. If you want, we could go there?”

“Sounds good.”

Usually it isn’t too hard for him to get along with people. But something about this feels different, more like business, and Jacob can’t get comfortable in the moment. He wrings his hands and waits for Kevin to carry the conversation on as they walk, hoping they won’t have to go the whole way in silence.

“So, you’re a math guy.”

It’s better than nothing.

“Kind of, I guess. I’m not in MAA, though. My friend Chanhee saw your post and sent it to me. Out of the two of us, they’re the math one.”

Kevin’s eyes widen and his lips part just the tiniest bit. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry, though. I’m a physics major. Better suited to your needs anyway.”

“Ah,” he nods. “I really don’t have the type of brain for this stuff, so sorry if it takes me a while to understand the stuff you tell me.”

Jacob can’t tell whether this is more or less awkward with eye contact. “Well, that’s the point. I’ll teach you the stuff you don’t understand. That’s tutoring.”

“Yeah.”

And more radio silence.

“So, what do you study?”

“Oh, um, I’m doing studio art and psychology.”

“Oh, cool. I don’t really know anything about art… or psychology.” Jacob has to stop himself from wincing.

“I don’t know anything about physics,” Kevin answers with a smile.

“You’re about to, though.”

“Yeah, hopefully.”

 _God_ , the walk is too long. The air is too cold and his jacket is too thin. They cut across manicured lawns and take a sidewalk wrapping around a buzzing gym (who goes to the gym in the dark on a Thursday?) to get to the caf as soon as possible, and Jacob thinks the only time he’s more grateful to see those double doors is when he gets out of the lab after not eating for eight hours straight.

Kevin makes a beeline to a table pressed right up against a window, Jacob in tow. “Is this okay? It’s my favorite, I always eat here when I can.”

“Yeah, this is fine.”

Jacob watches him get comfortable, surprised at what a process it is. Kevin takes off his jacket and drapes it over the back of the chair, brushes a few stray crumbs off the table, takes out his laptop and a notebook and four pencils, leans back in his chair, and then turns around to unfasten and pocket an enamel pin from the jacket’s lapel. Jacob watches and sets his phone on the table, just to have something to do.

“Sorry,” Kevin laughs. Jacob can’t tell whether it’s nervous or not. “I kind of take everything I own with me when I leave my room.”

“That’s okay. What’s your pin?”

“Huh?”

“Uh, the pin from your jacket.”

“Oh!” He digs around in the jacket’s pocket and pulls out a tiny enamel portrait of- “It’s Beyoncé from the ‘Formation’ video.” This is the most excited Kevin’s looked so far, even more so than when he told Jacob what he was studying, what he had dedicated his life to for at least the past couple years. “I’m kind of a big fan of hers.”

“Oh, cool. I haven’t heard much of her music, but-”

Kevin gasps and interrupts, “Okay, I might try to fix that. Just warning you. Some light evangelizing.”

And thank God, Jacob laughs. “Okay. Good luck doing that while we’re doing physics work.”

Kevin’s face falls in an overdramatic, joking way. “Right, _physics_ . Forgot about that for a second.” He slips the pin back into the pocket and drums his fingers on the edge of the table. “How did you even get into it? Like, _why_ would you do this to yourself?”

Jacob smiles at the familiar question, though the smile is a little less genuine each time he’s asked. “I don’t know. I liked the class in high school. Figured it might be nice to learn more.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.” _Mostly._

Kevin furrows his eyebrows, probably unsatisfied with his answer. Everyone is. “What sort of physics do you wanna do? Like, when you graduate.”

This particular follow-up is less common than the first question. Usually, people want to redirect from physics as soon as possible. But Kevin’s curious. Jacob wishes he had an answer for him. “Not really sure.”

It must catch him off guard because his mouth falls just slightly open. His lips are shimmery, and Jacob realizes he forgot chapstick at the dorm. “I thought you guys had to choose something to focus on.”

“They haven’t made me pick yet.” He hopes that’s enough for Kevin, doesn’t want to go into his whole ‘I don’t know if what got me here is still what I want and I have no idea where I’m going’ spiel he had to give his advisor last semester.

Kevin nods slowly and bites his bottom lip. Jacob’s mouth is dry. Forgot his water bottle too. Maybe he should take Younghoon up on his offer to write Jacob reminders in sharpie on his forehead while he sleeps; there’d be no way of missing them.

“So, what are you having trouble with?”

“Don’t laugh.”

“I won’t.”

“Everything.”

Jacob sighs and tacks a smile on at the end. Kevin is nice, and he’s paying him. Helping him with _everything_ will at least make more money than falling asleep to _Mulan_ would. “Okay. Let’s start at the beginning.”

~

An hour later, Kevin has taken off his beanie, sprawled himself across the table, and run his hands through his hair so many times it’s begun to stand up like a cartoon scientist’s. His eyes are red from rubbing them in confusion, but his notebook sports two entire pages of problem sets he’s done correctly (with some coaching), and he’s smiling.

“It’s only been an hour,” he says softly. “If you want, I can keep helping you.”

Kevin pushes himself up and stares at his notebook, running his finger down the page next to the problems. “No, I think this should be enough to work with. Thanks again.” His voice is softer now, no longer bubbling over with unkempt energy. “I don’t know how I’m gonna do on this test, but I’m sure it’s better now than it was before.” When he smiles with all his teeth, his eyebrows disappear past his bangs. Jacob remembers he was supposed to schedule a haircut for himself earlier today (Chanhee’s treat, they know a stylist in need of customers).

He watches as Kevin begins to repack his bag, _somehow_ consolidating his array of school supplies into one backpack. “Don’t forget your pin. It’s still in the front pocket.”

“Thank you,” he says over his shoulder, already fishing around in the pocket and fastening the pin to its original place. “Hey, I need your venmo. Gotta pay you.”

“I’ll text you.”

“Okay,” Kevin nods, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Well…” He pushes his glasses up his nose and buttons his jacket. As they weave through the archipelago of caf tables, he says, “Thanks for all the help. Really. And I hope it’s not, uh, asking too much to maybe… make this regular? Like, if I continue to be really shitty at physics math, then maybe-”

“Yeah, I’d be okay with that.” He hasn’t even checked whether he has time. But he remembers how it felt the last time he checked his bank account, and unfortunately, a blanket collection only grows with financial support. “I’ll check and see when I’m available. We can work something out.”

Kevin nods and smiles, grips the straps of his bag even tighter. “Do you want me to, uh… nevermind.” He nods again and says, “Goodnight. Good evening? Thanks again.”

“Yeah,” Jacob smiles. His cheeks hurt, like when he’s been posing for a photo for too long. “I’ll see you around.”

He doesn’t stick around, wanting to get home before things get any more awkward or he freezes to death. The walk back is longer than he wants it to be, and even though it’s only 8:30, he’s tired. Wonders how bad the teasing from Younghoon would be if he went to bed immediately after getting back.

With each step, the nagging in his brain grows stronger. Something missing, or something forgotten. By the time he’s struggling to fit his keys into the lock, he’s positive something’s wrong.

“Hey,” Younghoon waves from where he’s curled up on his bed.

“Hey,” he answers absently. Trying to force the wheels to turn faster.

“How’d it go?”

“What’re you doing?”

He squints at something on his laptop screen. “I’m trying to find the cheapest place to get ten thousand coffee filters.”

“ _Ten thousand?_ ”

“How did it go with Kevin?”

Younghoon’s persistent, always has been. “It was okay. I taught him math for an hour, then came home. He was late, though. Something with his roommate.”

“You look fried. Have you eaten?”

“Nah, I was gonna have cereal.”

Younghoon pushes his laptop aside and fixes his eyes on Jacob in the appraising way he does whenever he’s worried. “Why don’t you get some now and lie down?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Younghoon continues to watch as he pads around their tiny dorm room (maybe they _should_ have gotten an apartment). He takes it slow, hoping he comes off as zen instead of dead on his feet.

Younghoon makes him change out of his jeans and into sweats before he flops onto his bed. It’s nine on a weeknight. Tomorrow, he has class in the morning and evening with a stint at the lab in between. The blinds on the only window in this shoebox are broken, and he just spent one precious hour teaching things he’s known for years to a stranger.

“Am I forgetting something?”

He asks the ceiling, but Younghoon knows it’s for him. “Something about picking your concentration?”

“No, I still have a little while on that.”

“Internship? Lab work?” He waits for Jacob to shake his head and works through his list. Finally, “Something with the new tutoring gig?”

“Oh! I have to text Kevin.”

“Is it necessary? If it’s not-”

“He needs my venmo to pay me.”

It takes less than a minute to text Kevin, and less than ten minutes for him to send thirty dollars back.

_You don’t have to pay me that much_

_It was only one hour_

_it was really helpful_

_and last-minute_

_and way less than i’ll be out if i fail the class_

_buy urself something nice_

It’s the third time Kevin’s made Jacob laugh tonight. The third time Jacob’s laughed tonight, full stop.

“Something funny?” Younghoon asks.

“Find your coffee filters?”

“Still working on it,” he answers, eyes still trained on his laptop. “The biggest single order is only a thousand,” he pouts. “I’ll have to get ten.”

The fourth time Jacob laughs, it’s from his belly. It’s ten thousand coffee filters and a mind far too cloudy to divine what they’re for.

~

“What do you think about nuclear?” He asks around his straw.

Sangyeon sighs and leans back in his plastic chair. Jacob thinks that if he keeps doing that, one day the back will snap off and he’ll owe the caf a new one. “I don’t know, Jacob. Do you _care_ about nuclear physics?”

“I don’t know,” he whines. And then, “Probably not.”

“You still get to do basically whatever you want. It’s just, what, two or three classes in a specific area? So just pick one that sounds interesting and if it’s the wrong fit, oh well. You can still take other classes. It’s not the end of the world.”

Jacob nods, but it’s never felt that simple. It feels like the rest of his life, like choosing a career or a place to live. It feels like finalizing something that doesn’t quite feel right.

“I hate eating here. This place got boring two years ago.”

“It’s cheap, though,” Jacob defends without any heart. Sangyeon’s right.

Sangyeon gets up and clears the table, taking Jacob’s still mostly full plate. He’s been pushing his meal around with his fork for the past twenty minutes, just didn’t want to get rid of it soon enough for it to feel like a waste. Sangyeon’s always seen through him, what he’s doing and what he’s thinking.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” he soothes once he’s back.

“Yeah.”

“You can always come around my place if you want somewhere new to work, or just… to clear your head. I have shitty beer and Jaehyun’s got that stupid aromatherapy thing his aunt got him. He says it helps.”

The smile he wears is Jacob’s favorite of his, the one where his eyes fold to happy crescents and the edges of his lips curve up. It’s his ‘I’ll take care of you but you’re not allowed to acknowledge it’ smile.

“You’ll regret that. I’ll come around and drink all your beer and fall asleep on your couch,” he jokes.

“Hey,” he says, holding his hands up, “couch is always open.”

“How are the fish doing?”

Sangyeon huffs and buries his face in his hands, but Jacob thinks it’s just to disguise his smile. “Those _fucking_ fish. We had to buy an actual tank for those things. At first, we had the colored rocks, but then Jaehyun found out they might be bad for them, so we went back and got the brown and gray ones.” He’s _definitely_ smiling now.

Jacob remembers when Sangyeon texted him a week or so ago to vent about Jaehyun bringing home six little fish in bags and keeping them in coffee mugs. He had messaged him on the way to the store to buy them a ‘sweet crib’.

“I never thought he’d be the type,” Jacob says.

“The type for what? Spontaneous pets?”

“No, fish.”

That sets them off, and Jacob’s shoulders finally feel a little lighter.

~

His desk is too cluttered to work on. Has been for a few days now, ever since Dr. Park printed off some of their spreadsheets and asked Jacob to look through them _that way_ , citing a need for ‘human energy’ and the fact that Jacob can ‘catch things a computer can’t’. Dr. Park has always had eccentric ideas, but really, Jacob thinks that they’ve hit a lull in the work and she just isn’t willing to relegate him to coffee runs. No matter the reasoning behind it, the net effect is that he can’t use much of his desk until he’s gotten rid of the massive manila folder held shut with two extra large rubber bands and its accompanying notes.

But it makes him feel helpless to look at it, to be in a place he can’t even keep from overflowing with mess.

So when he gets the text, he’s a bit more willing than normal to work outside his stuffy, dim dorm room. Maybe if he tutors Kevin long enough, he’ll be able to afford to live somewhere with enough room for _three_ desks, one for Younghoon and two for himself.

They meet at the law library this time. Jacob’s never been inside before, but it’s beautiful. Older than the library he frequents, built from stone and finished with polished cherry wood.

“How do you…?”

“Took a forensic psych class last year. I’ve been able to come here ever since, and I really prefer it,” he explains.

“It’s pretty.”

“Yeah,” Kevin agrees, leading him up a set of stairs with steps worn in the middle from years of use. “One thing with it, though, is that you really don’t feel time passing. One time I studied in this little room with no windows, and when I came out it was _eleven_ . I was planning on leaving at _eight_.”

“I mostly just stay in my room to study.”

Kevin nods ahead of him and points to a little room with wooden doors propped open. “If I couldn’t come here, I might spend a lot more time in my room.”

The room is cozy, with windows high on the walls and antique lamps huddled around the tables. The carpet is thicker than in any other building on campus, or at least any other building he can think of now. The chairs are smooth and solid, worn just like the stairs.

The sight of Kevin in his tan hoodie and glasses, framed by stone and orange light, there’s something dramatic about it. It reminds Jacob of the movies. Something coming-of-age.

“So, I did well on my exam,” he says proudly, akin to the energy of a peacock fanning its feathers. “All thanks to you, of course.”

“Nah, I just helped you figure it out. You’re the one who took the test.”

“But I would have failed without your help. So thank you.”

Kevin looks at him when he talks to him. It’s odd for Jacob to notice something like that, or to care, because that’s normal. _Of course he does_ , everyone looks at the person they’re talking to. But there’s something about the way Kevin does it that makes it seem like he’s telling Jacob something important. Or that, even if it’s nothing, it’s important that Jacob hears it.

It makes him squirm.

“So what are we looking at today?”

“All the shit inside atoms. I don’t get it,” he shrugs, flinging a textbook from his bag to the tabletop.

Jacob chokes on a laugh. “I’m gonna need something more specific, please.”

“Like, I understand electrons and protons and neutrons and all that. It’s _everything_ else that I don’t get.”

“You just… you just named all the stuff inside atoms.”

“No, I mean…,” he sighs, long-suffering. “I wish I knew your language. Physics language. I hate trying to describe this stuff from my perspective.”

“I’m willing to work with you, though.” And he means it. Between Kevin’s generosity, his humor, and the way he texted Jacob the day after their last session just to ask him how his day was going, Jacob has opened up. He’s willing to work with Kevin, not just for the money, but because Kevin deserves it.

And because seeing Kevin’s pleased smile is an experience pretty similar to seeing a paycheck hit his account. Satisfaction. Pride and assurance. Jacob figures it’s just who he is. Younghoon calls him ‘angel’, and this must be why.

“The, you know, what it all _is_ . The stuff lower than protons and stuff like that. And all the stuff that’s _not_ that stuff.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word ‘stuff’ more in a single phrase before.”

Kevin laughs and pushes the notebook he used last time across the table. “Please, I’m trying.” Jacob wonders if Kevin would be so loud if they weren’t alone. Wonders what sort of person he is in small ways.

“Okay, so all the _stuff_ that isn’t neutrons and electrons and all that is, as far as you and I are concerned, empty space.”

“Empty space.”

Jacob nods. “Pretty much.” Kevin’s hair is falling into his face, just level with the top of his eye. He’s sitting across the table, hair curling slightly at the ends, and Jacob remembers he’s overdue to see the optometrist. Maybe next time he visits home.

“That doesn’t make sense. How can everything be… mostly nothing?”

“This is the first you’re hearing this?”

“No,” he says, rolling the edge of a notebook page between his fingers. “I’ve seen diagrams before. It just still doesn’t make sense.”

Jacob’s never had much of a problem with atoms. His high school physics teacher told him it’s mostly space, and the universe is mostly space, and he never questioned it. Never thought about it too hard. “Well, I think a lot of things are mostly nothing. But they still exist.”

“Like?”

“I don’t know, like marriages right out of high school.”

Kevin seizes with laughter at that, spluttering and curling in on himself. Jacob feels his lip split when he smiles. Forgot chapstick again. He has to push the notebook back to Kevin to get him to come back.

“So almost all of me and you and this table and everything is nothing.” There’s a smile in his eyes, but it’s the defensive sort Jacob’s seen the other students in his classes wear. The one that takes residence when they’re forced into seeing where they stand, just tiny blips in the universe. The uncommon _stuff_.

“I wouldn’t think of it like that. That seems sad.”

“Isn’t physics sad?”

It’s the sort of thing people say to him all the time, but usually not like this. Usually it’s a joke they use to disguise the fact that they’ve tried to understand it and couldn’t or that they know someone in the field with negative levels of emotional intelligence who’s made them feel small. Usually it’s a sort of defense mechanism that he laughs off. When Kevin says it, it’s laced with something sympathetic. Like the way his old girlfriend’s voice would go thin and watery as she read him poetry she liked. Like someone searching for something and finding someone else headed the same way.

“I… I guess it can be?”

“I just- I guess it’s just my perception of it,” he remedies.

“Why are you _in_ this class? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Kevin smiles again, smaller but just as warm. “Needed a physical science. Required credit. The description on this one said ‘for absolute beginners’, and I had just watched _Interstellar_.” With a shrug, he adds, “Shit happens.”

“Is it living up to the movies?”

“Certain movies, yeah.”

Jacob’s phone lights up with a message from Sangyeon. He can only see the first few words on the notification, but one of them is obscene, and another is the name of one of Jaehyun’s fish.

“Sorry, I really should have turned this off or put it away or- oh, and we’ve already been here for a bit and I haven’t even helped you with anything. We’ll start timing now and I’ll _actually_ work on physics with you,” he apologizes.

“It’s okay, now I kind of know what’s up with atoms,” Kevin says with a satisfied smile.

“You really don’t,” he laughs. “But you will. I promise, by the end of this session, you will _definitely_ know what’s up with atoms.”

And he keeps his promise. Physics Kevin (the version of him where he’s nearly catatonic) returns, and his notebook pages curl with ink and graphite. He’s finished an assignment that isn’t even due for another week and Jacob’s avoided spending another night shut up in his dorm hunched over what Younghoon calls ‘sad numbers’.

“I’m not even human anymore, Jacob.”

“And what does that mean?” He slumps low in his chair, as low as it will allow, and eyes Kevin across the table.

“My brain’s gone. I’m a zombie or something.”

“What do you usually make in your art classes?”

His eyes widen behind his glasses, making him look kind of like a cartoon character ( _even more_ like a cartoon character). “Oh, uh, I do a lot of different things.”

“Like?”

Kevin sets his glasses on the table and rubs his eyes, smiling lazily. “I like illustration. And I do some lettering, but that’s more of a hobby.” Jacob nods like he knows exactly what that means. “Sometimes I paint, but not often.”

“What do you paint?”

“Last time, it was a lake. Just a giant lake at night.”

Jacob checked the time when they finished Kevin’s assignment. Just under two hours. Really, now that they’re done, Jacob should head back to his room and email Dr. Park about that horrible manila folder. He wonders whether Chanhee has been checking their email like he told them to. Hopes he remembers to ask them about it later.

He only realizes Kevin’s mouth was open, poised to speak, after he’s asked, “Should I let you go? Now that we’re done.”

He blinks slowly, probably exhausted from having to use his brain in a way entirely unlike what he’s accustomed to. Jacob can only imagine how _he_ would function in an art methods class; it would be a disaster.

“Yeah,” he nods. “I should probably drop by the studio. I have something in there that needs a little work. Uh, thanks again. For helping me out.”

“You’re welcome,” Jacob says with a smile. Wishes he hadn’t cut off whatever Kevin had been meaning to say. He’s found that the things Kevin says are usually worth listening to. “I’ll see you soon?”

“You’ll hear from me sooner, probably.” Jacob’s heart skips, and he remembers Younghoon telling him to look into stress management tips at the mental health center. “Cause I’m uniquely bad at astrophysics, of course.”

“I wouldn’t say _uniquely bad_ , per se,” he says, fighting a smile and snide comment. “I’m sure there are lots of art majors who are just as bad as you.”

“Oh wow, coming for the major now? What’s next, gonna call me crazy for the psych?”

“Is that something people do?” he asks, giving up against the smile.

“Yes! Last year this girl told me I was only studying it to figure out what’s wrong with me!” Kevin tells stories like this with a voice that makes Jacob feel like he was there when it happened.

“Is there something wrong with you?”

“Nah, but there’s something wrong with _you_ . Spending two hours with me, doing _math_.”

“You _are_ paying me, though.”

Kevin nods, hands up. “Touché.” He swipes his notebook from the table and tucks it into his backpack, adding, “But don’t get too comfortable. I _can and will_ go full ‘annoying psych major’ and tell you what’s _actually_ up.”

“Hey, I’d be willing to know.”

A lock of Kevin’s hair is sticking straight out to the side from the way he kept pulling at it while working. He’s wearing a different jacket today, Beyoncé absent from the lapels. The clerestory windows cast him in soft light, and Jacob is late in joining him where he stands, busy taking in the whole scene from his seat. The wood and the stone, faded reds and the glint of sunlight off Kevin’s glasses.

He wishes he could paint. Sometimes he sees things that really should be put to canvas. Wonders what it’s like for Kevin to just _know_ that those opportunities will never slip through his fingers.

“I’m gonna go,” he says with a short wave.

Jacob nods. “I might look around the library a little bit longer.”

“It’s a nice place, isn’t it? I’ll see you.”

Really, Jacob didn’t want to have to deal with going the same way as Kevin for the next five minutes after already saying goodbye. But it really is a beautiful place; it’s a shame he’s never had an opportunity to visit before.

He has one now, though.

The architecture is older than most of the other buildings on campus. Each corner he rounds reveals another nook of thin sunlight and dusty books, another smattering of polished desks and lamps with peeling paint. It’s what his dreams of the future used to look like.

His walk home is whipping wind and the smell of sugar pouring from one of the campus’ events venues. It’s the thought of what he used to envision for himself and what he has now. How he used to know what he wanted, and now all he knows is that another afternoon shut up in his dorm might kill him.

Maybe physics can be sad. Maybe it can be lonely. But Jacob thinks about Kevin in the studio long after the building’s hall lights have shut off, flecks of paint on his hands and lip bitten from hours of concentration (the way it always is at the end of one of their sessions), and he thinks that maybe it isn’t much lonelier than anything else.


	2. Parallax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let me try something here:
> 
> Parallax - the observed apparent change in the position of an object resulting from a change in the position of the observer; in the case of astronomy it refers to the apparent displacement of a nearby star as seen from an observer on Earth
> 
> Things are changing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer one today, folks! If a pretty girl who knows quantum mechanics would like to enlighten me about that stuff and also fall in love with me then I'd be fine with that. I'm not failing my class, but my brain is melting and that's basically the same degree of struggling

When he wakes up, the sky is dark gray, so thick with clouds it seems like the sun hasn’t even risen yet. The bathroom door is closed with a thin bar of light at the bottom, so Younghoon must already be up. Jacob’s eyelids are still heavy; it feels like he never slept at all.

Ever since he read an article about how phones and blue light affect the brain, he’s been trying to kick his habit of checking it first thing. But he figures whatever damage it might be doing to his brain chemistry or distractibility (or whatever the specifics were, he can’t remember exactly) can’t outweigh the tiny spark of happiness he gets from seeing Kevin’s name on a text notification.

_ were u gonna tell me that the different types of quarks are called flavors _

_ or was i supposed to just find that out on wikipedia myself _

It’s from four hours ago, so Jacob can’t be entirely sure whether it was sent before or after Kevin went to sleep.

_ That’s part of your personal journey _

His personal journey into  _ what _ , Jacob doesn’t know. Kevin doesn’t seem to be in any danger of being bitten by the physics bug. But he hopes it’ll make him laugh.

“What’s got you smiling like that?” Younghoon asks, hair all wet and shaggy from his shower. “Dog video?”

“Just Kevin slowly discovering physics.”

“Ouch, that sucks,” Younghoon jokes, pulling on his pants. “Is he gonna live?”

“Uncertain. I’ll keep you updated.”

“Speaking of keeping me updated-”

Jacob groans and turns his face into his pillow.

“Have you picked yet? Only, what, a week left?”

“I’ll pick later today. Promise.”

“I’ll write it on your forehead,” he threatens. “I am  _ not  _ joking.”

Jacob turns back over and pouts. “Don’t you have a lecture to get to?”

Younghoon smiles and pulls a sweater on, only struggling with the head hole for a few seconds, what might be a new record. “Not so angelic in the morning, are you?” Before Jacob can even think about volleying something back, Younghoon’s grabbed his keys and opened the door. “Don’t forget you have class this afternoon and an evening shift at the lab. Love you.”

He’s gone before Jacob can pretend to complain about him acting as a human calendar. Truth is, he doesn’t know how much he would remember without Younghoon’s insistence on memorizing his schedule. He’s usually pretty good at keeping his frustration aimed at his own brain, rather than the roommate he might not deserve. But it  _ is  _ frustrating.

It’s a relatively new thing, the forgetfulness, this intensely thick fog. He can’t remember when exactly it started, but Younghoon swears it was immediately after he began his internship. Jacob thinks it doesn’t really matter when it started. He just wants it to end.

He’s slowly fading back into sleep when his phone lights up. His banking app alerts him that a certain Kevin Moon has transferred him thirty-five dollars.

_ It’s too much _

_ too bad _

_ what're u gonna do about it _

_ Banking goes both ways _

_ bitch _

It startles him into laughter, and he certainly can’t go back to sleep now.

He goes about the morning slowly, feeling better than when he first woke up. Can’t remember the last time it worked out like that, and he’s positive that has nothing to do with his memory issues. It’s not the sort of thing that happens to the average college student, let alone to Jacob.

Maybe it’s the mystery energy of the room. Maybe it’s the leisurely morning and mostly open schedule. Whatever it is that motivates him doesn’t matter. Jacob sends a text.

_ What are you doing this morning? _

The little three-dot bubble appears, then disappears. Appears again. It didn’t seem like a particularly complex question when he asked, but maybe it’s more loaded than he thought.

_ i have neurobiology at noon _

_ but nothing before that, was just gonna contemplate life _

_ I was thinking of getting breakfast and studying _

_ Wanna join me? _

He waits for Kevin to respond and gets lost looking at the folder taking up all the valuable real estate on his desk. If he spends too much time thinking about it, the back of his neck itches. Just in his mind, probably. Maybe he can ask Kevin about it; it’s likely something to do with whatever neurobiology is.

_ yeah sounds good _

It doesn’t seem like the sort of text that would take forty-five seconds to formulate, but it’s all Jacob needs.

The sky is gray. But he walks to a little café just off campus with the sort of liveliness he had two years ago, back when he knew exactly where he was going.

The sky is gray, but Jacob is going to have breakfast with a new friend instead of shutting himself away in his room with the blinds drawn.

For once, the clouds in his brain clear, and the clouds outside don’t matter anymore.

~

“One iced americano, please.”

“Two actually, please,” Jacob amends, shoving Kevin’s card aside and handing his over instead. Kevin scoffs, but the cashier’s already processing Jacob’s card, and there’s nothing he can do except pretend to be mad.

“Why are you so insistent on not having money?”

It’s the sort of thing Chanhee would ask him. The only difference is that Chanhee wouldn’t fight quite so hard to pay.

“I’m not  _ insistent on not having money _ . I’m just sick of taking yours.”

Kevin looks like a fish with his mouth hanging open like this, but it’s funny in the same way videos of cats on the internet are funny. Mildly, warmly, just enough to make Jacob smile.

“I’m buying your food, though.”

“I thought eating breakfast was a myth.”

“Wow, funny guy today,” Kevin mocks, grabbing their drinks from the barista with a smile. “How about thirty minutes of work and then food and  _ water _ , not coffee?”

Jacob nods and lets Kevin pick the table. He’s found, in just two meetings, that Kevin cares a lot more about where he sits than Jacob does. Something small, but something he  _ knows _ . And as he gets older, he finds that the pool of people he really knows gets smaller and smaller.

“So, what’s on the agenda this morning?” Kevin asks, rooting through his bag.

“Mostly just reviewing the classes I’ve taken so far. I have to pick my concentration soon.” It’s hard to keep from wincing at the end. Every time he thinks about picking, he hears Younghoon in his ear reminding him (gently, usually) about the ever-nearing due date.

“So you wanna find what you’ve liked so far.”

“Exactly,” Jacob answers. He pulls out his old laptop on its last legs and starts skimming his schedule history, hoping the course titles will bring up memories. Good or bad, anything would be helpful. “What about you?” he asks, trying to recall how he felt about thermodynamics.

“Designing a poster for this research thing I’m kinda sorta working on with a friend,” he answers around a stylus between his teeth.

“Kinda sorta working on?”

“He’s actually on the research team, has been through the whole process. He asked if I wanted to help with the presentation poster for credit on that part of the project. I thought, you know, resumés and stuff, so hell yeah.”

He flips the tablet he’s holding around so Jacob can see his work on the screen, a sketchy rendering of the bottom half of a brain slowly blending into a thick fog near the top. “I’m gonna clean it up and add the research topic over it. If it comes out the way I see it, it’ll be nice and simple, but also way cooler than everyone else’s.” He says it with the smugness of a kid whose parents let them win at board games. On someone Jacob isn’t something-like-friends with, it would be annoying; on Kevin, it’s entertaining.

“That’s what my brain feels like all the time.”

“Hmm, that sucks.” He sips his coffee and sets the tablet on the table. “You should come see the presentation. It’s about memory loss, something with rats.”

“All psychology research is ‘something with rats’.”

Kevin coughs out a laugh and lurches forward. “You’re lucky I wasn’t drinking my coffee,” he warns, smiling widely. “This tablet is  _ expensive _ .”

“Guess I am lucky, yeah,” Jacob smiles. This morning is definitely better than he expected.

They both halfway-work, halfway-talk until their cups are empty. By the time they’re ready to eat, Kevin’s drawing looks much more refined and he’s started writing the project title in big letters. Jacob has officially eliminated optics. Now he just has ten other branches to choose from and less than ten hours until he has to face Younghoon again.

“What do you want?” Kevin asks, pushing himself up from the table.

“ _ I  _ invited  _ you _ here. You don’t have to buy my food.”

Kevin huffs and crosses his arms. “Come on, what if I want to repay you for helping me?”

“You literally already pay me,” Jacob laughs.

“Okay, then what if I want to do something nice for my new friend?”

_ New friend. _

Jacob considers whether it would be more rude to let him pay or to refuse, but only for a moment. At the end of the day, he still has the budget he and Younghoon drew up pinned to the cork board above his desk, and saving on food is one small step forward. “I’ll have a muffin. Doesn’t matter what kind, they’re all good here. Thank you.”

The smile Kevin wears now isn’t the same smug look from earlier. It’s softly pleased and pushes his cheeks up against the bottom of the frames of his glasses. “I’ll be right back. Don’t steal anything, but if you do, please leave the stylus. It’s new.” And then he winks. But it doesn’t hit the ‘suave and confident’ mark because he immediately folds into himself, cringing.

Jacob thinks, as much as Kevin reminds him of his other friends in little ways, he’s something really different from the people he’s met before. Everything about him is tinged with  _ new _ .

He’s still thinking about Kevin instead of physics when he refocuses his eyes and sees the muffin sitting on the table in front of him. Kevin must have pushed the still-too-pristine, unhighlighted and nearly unmarked list away from Jacob’s spot so the muffin wouldn’t leave grease spots. And Jacob can’t even remember seeing it, which means he must have zoned out.

“Any progress?” he asks, digging a chunk of pineapple out from under a dollop of yogurt. The parfait glass is too tall and he can’t seem to get a good enough angle for fruit excavation.

Jacob laughs, and it’s mostly because of the concentrated look on Kevin’s face, his silent film exaggeration. The rest is the same frustration he’s been shouldering for the past month. “Not really.”

“Shame,” Kevin pouts, working diligently.

“What, do you not like yogurt?”

“No,” he breathes. “I mean, I do. I just always eat one of the pieces of pineapple first. It’s a thing. They’re usually not  _ this  _ far down.” He huffs and blows at the hair falling in his eyes. Jacob could help him out and brush it back, but he’s never been very touchy like that. Decides to keep his hands to himself.

“Well, maybe you should-”

“Aha!” he yells, far too loudly for a coffee shop morning, brandishing a hard-earned chunk of pineapple and flinging a bit of yogurt to the floor. And then Jacob gets a glimpse of the abashed Kevin he met not long ago, the one shyly stumbling through conversation the second they met in person. The one who was unsure of himself and fairly certain he had overstepped some invisible boundary once he saw Jacob outside in the cold.

But Jacob likes comfortable Kevin more. So he smiles at him, diffuses the embarrassment. “Got it.”

A smile cracks its way across Kevin’s face, a relief. “Uh, yeah.” He leans down to clean the yogurt from the worn wood floor and Jacob pulls his notebook back to where it was when he was focused. Front and center, open to a list of eleven branches with only one crossed out.

Kevin groans the second he comes back up and sees the notebook. “That seems like such a tough decision. Like, why do you even have to pick?”

Jacob combs through his memory, comes up with nothing. Not one other time someone else has acknowledged how  _ hard _ it is. Younghoon has always been supportive, but he doesn’t understand. Sangyeon has pushed him to just move forward, not quite the type to spend all his energy on something like this. Chanhee has always known exactly what they want to do, and they can’t understand why Jacob is sitting so long with it.

But here’s Kevin. New, just barely more than an acquaintance. And he understands.

“ _ Right? _ Why do I even have to pick?” It feels good to say. Like what he’s been locking up for months, finally free.  _ Why does anyone ever have to pick? _

He doesn’t know where he’s going. He doesn’t know how he even got where he is. And just because he entered the last date to declare on his phone’s calendar in bright red text doesn’t mean he’ll be ready once his time is up.

“Sometimes it feels like I know less and less every day.”

“Amen to that,” Kevin says, pushing all of his drawing supplies to the edge of the table. “I think my truest form is just a version of me who doesn’t know anything. I think that’s where I’m headed.”

“Mind if I join you?” He keeps his voice light like a joke. Kevin never has to know that this is the closest thing to a breakthrough moment he’s had about anything all year. That his chest is warm in the way it is when he gets a hug from his mom or finally finishes a project that’s been killing him.

“It would be an  _ honor _ . You might have a little further to go, though. Gotta get rid of all that impressive physics stuff.”

“I’m already on the right path,” he breathes, pressing his palms to his eyes. “Forgetting a lot lately.”

Kevin gets quiet then, and Jacob wonders if he maybe let a little too much into his voice. If he pulled back a curtain that he had intended to keep drawn, accidentally let Kevin look in. If maybe Kevin didn’t like the dreary gray he saw.

But then, “If it helps, you’re the smartest person I’ve talked to in the past four days.”

“Your poor roommate. Not even here to defend himself.”

“He’ll be fine, I promise,” Kevin laughs. “Love him to death, really. But dance and physics require  _ different _ skills. And he hasn’t taken a math class in, like, three years?”

“Sometimes I’m jealous of people like that.”

“Honestly, me too. I’m still technically failing my physics class.” He smiles coyly and digs back into his parfait.

“Well, I mean, I’m not doing anything tomorrow.” A lie. Tomorrow is one of his busiest days this week. “I could always help you out again. That  _ is _ the whole reason we’re even here right now.”

“Really?” Kevin asks, and there’s something in his voice. “I thought we were here right now because we’re friends. I like spending time with you, especially when I’m not fighting for my life on a physics assignment.”

And Jacob really isn’t sure what to say.

“And I’m busy tomorrow anyway.”

“Oh?” Jacob asks, grateful that Kevin picked up the thread of conversation so easily, as if Jacob had never dropped it. Already so different from the first night they spent hunched over notebooks, bundled against the cold on the other side of the window.

“I promised Changmin, that’s the roommate, that I would go to a performance of his. He’s in this dance group, he choreographs. The leader is graduating soon, so he’ll probably take over.” Kevin talks about Changmin’s accomplishments as if they were his own. His eyes are round and sparkling from the lights hung up around the coffee shop. Jacob remembers the first photo of the universe he saw that took his breath away.

_ That _ is how he got to where he is.

He grabs the list, brushes a few stray eraser shavings to the floor, and draws a star next to one of the lines. Puts it away before Kevin can see which one.

“Did you decide?”

“Maybe. I might change my mind.”

“Don’t. You can, but don’t.” He smiles and takes a sip of his water, then offers, “If you’re free tomorrow, you can come with me.” Jacob’s surprise must show on his face because Kevin quickly amends, “You obviously don’t have to if you don’t want to. Just because you have free time doesn’t mean you have to spend it-”

“Sure. I’d love to.”

Truly, he doesn’t have the time. But he thinks about the list in his bag, slightly crumpled at the top left corner. The single crossed-out line, and the one with a hastily-drawn star (far from his best, which he probably did sometime around fourth grade, when he first learned how to draw them quickly like the other kids). And that list doesn’t scare him quite like it did just five minutes ago.

He feels like he can spare an evening.

~

His first year here, Jacob had written a petition with two other students requesting the administration reduce light pollution on campus. He had delivered it to the university president’s office himself, complete with five hundred signatures and a catalog of appropriate replacement light fixtures paperclipped to the back to make it easy for her.

His first year here, he had  _ cared _ .

He had looked up at the night sky and felt at home. He had known exactly what he loved.

In the time since then, he’s grown up, and he’s lost his way. That’s what Younghoon says,  _ “You’re just lost. You'll find it again.” _

Just two weeks ago, he burrowed down into his covers and binged his favorite episodes of every astrophysics show he could think of. He ooh’d and aah’d at all the right times, tried to force himself into the same nirvana he used to fall into every time he looked up. It hadn’t worked.

It had looked like he had lost whatever spark there was when he was younger. Younghoon had talked him through it, never judging him, even when he had started to cry. He remembers the sight of the tiny dark spots on the shoulder of Younghoon’s tee shirt, and the way he had shushed Jacob like a parent.

Younghoon must be almost home by now.

The minute Jacob got back to the dorm from the café, he shoved all the data sheets back into their massive manila folder and set it on the floor, freeing up just enough space on his desk for him to sit with his laptop and search through his old files for the scan of the first star chart he drew up on campus. Really, he could have done everything hunched over his computer in his bed, but it wouldn’t have had the same weight, the same finality. And for once, he’s going to allow himself a little drama.

He leans up to the list of things he and Younghoon want for the apartment (whenever it comes) pinned to his corkboard and scribbles ‘printer’ before emailing the file to himself and grabbing his coat to head to the library.

“Hey, where are you headed?”

Jacob looks up from his bag, a deer in headlights. “Oh, uh, the library. Need to print something.”

He misses the exact moment, it comes so fast. Somewhere between words, between seconds, the Younghoon standing in the door crumbles, replaced by a Younghoon sniffling into Jacob’s shoulder. Jacob changes to meet him.

“Hey, shh, it’s okay. Come on, let’s sit down,” he soothes, guiding Younghoon to his bed.

“I don’t-” his voice breaks and he tries to breathe against the thick fabric of Jacob’s coat. “I’m so tired.”

“I know,” Jacob whispers, rubbing his back.

“Everything sucks. It sucks here.” He chokes out a stressed laugh and buries his face further in Jacob’s coat. “I’m so exhausted.”

“We wouldn’t have met, though, if you didn’t come here,” Jacob reasons. Tries to keep Younghoon focused on him instead of what Jacob knows his mind might feel like right now. “So even though it’s really hard sometimes, I’m glad we’re here.”

Younghoon pulls gently at Jacob’s sleeve, then leans back. The worst of it is over already. This is how it usually goes.

This isn’t the first time Jacob’s had to anchor him, and it isn’t the last time. Younghoon more than repays him during his own worst days. They’ve spent years learning each other, so when Younghoon shows his face and wipes his tears away, Jacob knows it’s okay. He’ll be okay.

“Sorry, I just needed to do that.”

“I know, you don’t have to apologize.”

“What are you-,” he pauses to sniffle and catch his breath. “What are you printing?”

“Nothing now,” he answers, rubbing Younghoon’s shoulder. “An old star chart. But I can do it later, it was just something I felt like doing.”

Younghoon nods and uses the end of his sweater to wipe away the last of his tears. “Wait.” Drops his hand to his lap. “Old star chart? Why an old star chart?”

The excitement that had been bubbling to the brim of the cramped dorm room while he waited for Younghoon sparks again. He can’t help but smile. “You’ll be very proud.”

“You picked!” he yells, throwing his arms around Jacob. “Oh my God, thank God. I was gonna be sad if you didn’t pick it. I was gonna be sad, Cobie.”

“Even  _ more _ sad.”

“Even  _ more _ sad, you’re right,” he agrees, eyes still pink.

“Are you okay, really?”

He nods, his fluffy bangs bobbing. “Just the same as always. It’s just hard.”

Jacob pushes himself off the bed and pulls out the plastic bin where he hides his loveliest, most socially tolerable-if-not-unacceptable secret. “I bought some more cereal a couple days ago. Froot Loops or Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I have others, but those are the ones with the most sugar.”

Younghoon smiles, his usual self coming back slowly. “Froot Loops, please.”

“Excellent choice.”

The only things they have in their tiny, decade-old mini fridge (that Younghoon is convinced is haunted) are three sticks of string cheese, one beer, two cups of applesauce (which don’t even need to be refrigerated and which Jacob can’t remember acquiring), and a carton of milk. But that’s all they need right now, so he can’t complain.

He passes the milk to Younghoon and they while away an afternoon eating bowl after bowl of cereal, talking about the dramas Younghoon watches and the podcast Jacob has been trying to force himself to like. Talking about nothing.

“So she’s still with him after he basically screwed up her entire career?” he asks, trying to keep up with Younghoon’s rant.

“ _ Right?  _ It’s honestly so annoying I might quit watching. Last episode was almost the last straw.” He accepts the cereal box Jacob passes him, pouring himself a third bowl.

Jacob’s halfway through his own third helping, trying to track the show’s plot through what Younghoon’s told him so far, when Younghoon says, “I really am glad you picked it. I didn’t want to believe you had stopped loving it.”

He feels his eyes go wide again, knows his mouth is open. His mom would chide him gently and tell him he’ll catch flies. But his brain is running slow and needs time to make the turn from twisting television dramas to his own heart. “Oh, yeah.” It’s all he can come up with.

“I just loved watching you love the universe, you know? I didn’t like it when you lost that.”

“I didn’t either.”

“But it’s back?”

He thinks. Thinks about the night sky when he knew her, thinks about how she sparkled.

Thinks about the photo he saw all those years ago that first made him fall in love with the cosmos and the eyes that made him remember it. Thinks about the night sky now, and how he’s going to have to take time to relearn loving him.

How the night sky has changed so much in the time Jacob’s been away.

“Coming back.”

~

_ i fucking hate group projects :/ _

Kevin’s great at openers. It’s one of Jacob’s favorite things about him.

_ Sorry, I don’t like them either _

_ What’s wrong? _

_ group's just me and two chads _

_ not really my crowd _

_ they don’t like beyonce >:( _

Kevin can always make him laugh. It’s one of Jacob’s favorite things about him.

_ Well you like me and I’m not a huge fan or anything _

_ but u still listen to her sometimes _

_ ,,, i think?? _

_ you have a defensible amount of taste _

_ i can change you _

Kevin jokes, but he never actually makes fun of Jacob’s interests. Jacob thinks he’s allowed to have a long list of favorite things. This is another one.

_ Gee thanks _

_ here's the little poster changmin’s dance group made _

_ [img] _

_ if u want, we can walk together _

_ or just meet there, whatever’s better for you _

_ I’m good to just meet there, no worries _

_ ,,, if you WANT to walk together we can _

_ i don’t mind at all _

Truthfully, it sounds nice. The performance is being held in the arts center on the other side of campus, and it gets more bitterly cold each night. It would be nice to have company to distract from the night, and it would be nice to arrive with a friend instead of alone, and it would be nice to spend the time with Kevin.

But Jacob recognizes someone too nice for their own good when he sees one. He’s been in Kevin’s shoes before. At best, Kevin will have to walk even farther just to meet Jacob. At worst, he was already planning on showing up early with his roommate or getting some last-minute work done right before leaving, and he’s willing to rearrange everything if Jacob says yes.

It would be nice.

_ Don’t worry about it man _

_ I’ll see you there :) _

_ Good luck with your project _

Kevin doesn’t respond immediately. He doesn’t respond in five minutes, and he doesn’t respond in ten. Probably been pulled away to orchestrate his project with the partners he’s so chagrined to work with.

Jacob puts it out of his mind and buries himself in work, trying to get ahead before he can ever fall behind (probably shouldn’t have agreed to see Changmin’s show). Each time he finishes something, he remembers another assignment due soon, another email he has to send, another meeting he has to reschedule. He waits until he’s seconds from drowning to check his phone and rest his brain.

_ yeah I’ll see u there! _

Sent thirty minutes ago.

Jacob doesn’t usually analyze  _ when  _ people text.

Only about two hours until the show.

The room is shadowy (the sky’s so dark lately), smaller than normal, feels like. He wonders if he’ll get back the motivation he used to have once he’s in his astrophysics classes. Whether he’ll buzz around the dorm, nocturnal and smiling, his very own star.

He’ll wait to see. For now, he has around an hour to sleep.

One silver lining (easy to find when he remembers to look): he may not have slept at all had he not cut into his time set aside for work. Wasting time like a balm for his exhaustion.

As he drifts off, he remembers,  _ two silver linings _ .

~

The crowd in the lobby is a little thin, but he’s early. He had woken with a start from a dream where he missed the show. Kevin’s face was the last thing his dream self saw. Smiling, but disappointed, a look Jacob’s seen on him only a few times. A look he doesn’t like very much.

Maybe next time he’ll take him up on an offer to walk together. He hadn’t thought too extensively on the awkwardness of having to haunt the venue until Kevin arrived. But now he haunts, watching people stream in by himself. It’s cold outside, and wind whips in whenever someone props the door open. Goosebumps come and go, making his muscles tense and shiver.

A girl holds the door open for almost a full minute, ushering in a group of people at least six strong and as loud as a group twice their size. The chill makes his fingers shake, and it’s hard to type his message to Chanhee talking them down from dropping out because they can’t solve a problem set they’ve been working on for three days.

“Hope you haven’t been waiting long.”

It startles him and he fumbles his phone, just barely manages to snatch it from the air on the way down.

“Oh, shit, sorry!” Kevin laughs, grabbing for the phone. His fingers close around Jacob’s own before he snatches his hand back. “Didn’t, uh, mean to keep you waiting.”

“It’s okay,” Jacob assures. “Let me just finish this message real quick, it’s one of my friends.”

Kevin waits, rocking back on his heels and humming something so soft Jacob can’t make it out. He’s wearing boots that make him seem six feet tall and fill the silence with tiny clicking sounds when they tap against the tile floor.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Jacob answers, pocketing his phone and smiling. Kevin’s tucked his bangs behind his ear; it looks nice. “I don’t know what other word to use than ‘crisis’, but it’s not a real crisis.”

“‘Minor crisis’ maybe?”

He nods and pushes himself from the wall. Follows Kevin to a folding table manned by two tired-looking girls and continues, “Honestly it was overdue, they haven’t done this in about two months. So it’s no big deal.”

“Haven’t done what?” Kevin asks over his shoulder, nodding and smiling to the girl who scans something on his phone.

“Is this, like, an official event? Do I owe you for a ticket?”

“Nah,” he dismisses. “Honestly the tickets are more for counting attendance, Changmin sent me some for free.” He rushes to a door past the table and holds it open for Jacob, asking, “So what’s up with your friend in crisis?”

“Just imposter syndrome. They’re actually the one who sent me your post about needing a tutor.”

“Well, I’ll have to thank them. I’m really close to passing now.” He tilts his head up and beams, the same proud look he gets when solves a problem or when Jacob laughs at one of his jokes. “ _ And _ I met someone too nice to let me go to this thing alone.”

“I’m not nice. I’m  _ very _ passionate about whatever type of dance your roommate does. I’m a dance enthusiast.”

“Mhmm,” Kevin hums, pressing his lips into a thin smile. “I believe it.”

The room is dark and not quite what Jacob had expected. He’s only been to this arts center a few times, but he was always ushered into a traditional theater with a stage and red curtains, and he had assumed that’s what every room looked like.

This is a wide open, industrial-looking amphitheater more closely resembling a tiny indoor football stadium than any of the other theaters he’s seen before.

“You good?” Kevin laughs. “You look confused.”

“I’ve just, uh, I’ve never been in a theater like this? With exposed pipes in the ceiling?”

Kevin laughs and leads him to a bench a few rows up from the center. “Yeah, it’s a little different from your average ballet recital venue.”

“ _ Ballet? _ ”

“No,” he giggles. “Nah, no, he does this sort of… sharp… not mechanical, but you know-”

“I really don’t.” He can’t help the laugh that bubbles up. He’s out of his element, here in this odd sort of dimly lit, too-cold ode to chrome with the guy he’s been tutoring for less than three weeks.

“It’s really something,” he assures. “He’s really talented.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it.”

“Finally. The whole time we’ve known each other, I’ve been having to just blindly trust you about stuff.”

“‘Trust me blindly’ as if I’m not explaining literal science to you. Real actual facts, Kevin.” Jacob shoves him lightly and realizes just how close they are. Kevin pretends to fall over and Jacob takes the opportunity to put a little more space between them. Doesn’t want Kevin to feel uncomfortable. It’s moments like this when he realizes just how little he knows about him.

Is he the clingy type like Younghoon? Does he latch onto the nearest person after a long day and bury his face in their shoulder? Or is he more like Jaehyun, panicky at touch, wanting to learn someone at an arm’s length and invite them in when he’s ready?

Is he stubborn and soft like Chanhee, determined and scared of his own ambitions? Does he prefer to look at the big picture and the future like Sangyeon? Or does he get caught up in the little details of life?

Does he try to figure out what Jacob’s thinking, or to forget what he might already know from his afternoon classes?

When he paints, does he wash the colors from his hands immediately, or does he wear them like a badge of honor for a little while?

What does the night sky look like to him? Is it laced with past and future, sparkling with the same bright stars from the day he was born, stars that have been gone for longer than the two of them have been alive?

Does it have a face?

To Jacob, the night sky has always had a  _ feeling _ . A feeling like a person, like a home.

“Even if you couldn’t prove everything you told me, I’d still believe you.”

He comes back. “That’s not the way to go if you want to pass a class.”

Kevin shrugs. “Yeah, probably not. I like hearing you talk about physics, though. I could tell, even when you were tired or frustrated-”

“Was I ever rude to you?” he asks, suddenly running through all their sessions so far, analyzing them for a time he could have hurt Kevin. He’s not sure whether he can trust his memory.

“No, no, just frustrated about other things. You’ve never been short with me or anything. I just mean, even when you were obviously not having the best time, you got excited about physics. Or… you knew it. It was something you were really willing to do, explaining everything to me.”

“Ah, well,” he starts, short of breath. Something in the air, something from the exposed pipes, maybe. That doesn’t sound right in his head, but it’s all he can think of. “It’s my job. And what I’m studying. It’s what I had to do.”

Kevin nods and smiles, but it seems stilted. Forced. “Well, thank you.”

“You, uh, you’re doing better in the class?”

“Yeah, I think I have a grip on it now.”

Jacob misses the time around a minute ago when he was able to just think. About stars and paint and his friends, and he didn’t feel like his lungs were filling up with a thick dark  _ something _ . Something about the room, or tonight. “So I guess you don’t need a tutor anymore.”

“I, uh, I might still need some help sometimes,” he answers, pulling at his bangs and pushing them back behind his ear, again and again. “I’ll obviously still pay you.”

“No.” Autopilot. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

“Oh. Uh, well, if you were helping me with the class, then I wouldn’t wanna, uh, leave you high and dry or anything.”

“Nah, we’re friends now. I can help out with a problem here and there. That’s what friends do.”

“That’s what friends do,” Kevin repeats. His voice is flat, and his eyes are focused just above Jacob’s. Younghoon does that when he’s avoiding something, or when he’s disappointed. “Well at least let me buy your coffee next time.”

Jacob jumps at the opportunity to diffuse the tension, real or imagined (surely imagined, maybe he should have an MRI done) and smiles. “Okay, sure. You buy my coffee next time.”

_ Next time. _ A definitive next time.

The lights dim even more and Jacob surveys the room. It’s much fuller now; the long bench he and Kevin are sitting on is occupied by a group of four at one end and a couple who have no problem with PDA at the other.

“Starting,” Kevin whispers. “The music is kinda loud, I should have warned you earlier, before you agreed to come.”

“It’s okay,” he answers, but he’s not sure Kevin heard. The music  _ is _ loud, and it starts out of nowhere. He jumps a little, inches towards Kevin. Feels him tense and slowly slides back to where he was, calms his heart from the jolt of the music and tries to focus on the dance.

It should be easy. The performance is electric, all dynamic movement and dripping with skill. Jacob can  _ feel _ the hours of work, the expertise poured into it. It should be  _ so easy _ to focus on the dance.

But next to him on the bench, Kevin’s eyes are wide, illuminated every now and then by the flashing lights like stars. His bangs are falling out from behind his ear, and Jacob can’t even tell him. He can’t fix them. The ends brush against his cheekbones, light like feathers, and Jacob’s wondering whether Kevin can feel it when he catches Jacob looking.

Face burning (he thought he was mostly over the petty embarrassment he was prone to as a kid, but it seems he’s not), he turns back toward the floor in the center.

He pays unyielding attention to the rest of the performance.

It’s surprising how soon it ends, but he isn’t sure exactly what he expected in the first place. He says as much to Kevin.

“Oh, yeah, this was a shorter one. He’s only been working on the choreos here for a couple weeks.”

Jacob doesn’t know how long it takes to choreograph a dance routine, but even for a short collection like this, a couple weeks sounds impressive.

“Kev!”

Jacob isn’t prepared, Kevin even less so, for the blur that comes racing by and barreling into Kevin’s arms.

“Eric,” Kevin says, patting the kid’s back and smiling at Jacob over his shoulder. “Hi, baby.”

_ Baby. _

But Jacob doesn’t like to assume.

“Did you like it?” Eric asks, voice booming louder than the performance music.

“Yeah, it was really good,” he answers. “Here, let me introduce you.” He turns Eric around to face Jacob and explains, “Jacob, this is one of Changmin’s newer recruits. Eric, this is, uh, my tutor? My friend.”

“Hi, I’m Jacob. Kevin’s friend,” he agrees, offering his hand.

Eric takes it and shakes a little too hard for a little too long, but his smile is bright and he’s buzzing with the energy of someone doing what they love. “Good to meet you,” he says, his words sweetly slurring together like his brain is moving too fast for his mouth. “I thought my introduction could’ve been a little warmer,” he complains to Kevin.

“What?” Kevin laughs. “What did you want me to say?” His voice always ticks up when he’s amused; Jacob knows from the occasional tension-breaking jokes he tells when Kevin gets frustrated. That’s how it’s sounded ever since Eric arrived.

“I don’t know, maybe ‘light of my life’? ‘My hero’?”

“Fuck off,” Kevin laughs, flicking his shoulder.

Jacob wonders whether Eric is planning on sticking around. He’s so energetic, it’s too much to keep up with.

“I’m gonna go harass Juyeon, but please go to lunch with me or something sometime,” he says, his eyes wide with pleading like a puppy’s. He turns and waves with a smile before Kevin can answer, yells, “Thanks for coming, Jacob! Treat him well, please!”

Kevin starts coughing then, and Jacob offers, “I think there might be something in the air here. Dust, I don’t know.”

Kevin’s face is red as he looks up at Jacob from where he’s slouched over, eyes wide.

“Might be why you’re coughing.”

“Oh.”

“Your bangs are, uh,” he twirls his finger around near his ear.

“Oh,” Kevin says again, tucking them back and standing straight. “I need to talk to Changmin, but you don’t have to stick around if you have stuff to do. Thank you so much-”

“I’m not busy, I can stay. If you want, of course.”

“Oh, yeah, please do.”

Jacob’s almost worried about how stilted the conversation has been tonight, worried he’s doing something wrong or not picking up on something, worried he’s about to lose a new friend. But then Kevin smiles and waves him along. “He should be around here somewhere.”

Changmin finds them first. “Hey, like the show?”

He hugs Kevin, but it’s brief. “Gross, you’re sweaty.”

“You hugged Eric!”

“Eric’s my baby, what was I supposed to do?”

“Bitch,” Changmin snips. “Did you like it, though?”

“Obviously, it was incredible.” Jacob nods along and Kevin remembers. “Oh, duh. Jacob, my roommate, Changmin. Changmin, my Jacob.”

“I already know  _ your Jacob _ ,” he teases.

“Huh?”

Changmin turns to look at him with his delicate eyes wide. “We’ve met once. Chanhee introduced us.”

It’s like a brick through a window, but the window is his brain and the brick is feeling like an awful friend. “Oh my God, you’re the Changmin Chanhee is dating. I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize you.”

It only takes Changmin a moment to redirect. “Hey, no worries. Have they told you about the problem s-”

“The problem set that’s ‘ending their career before it’s even begun’? Yes,” he answers with a sigh.

It makes Changmin laugh, which helps Jacob breathe a little easier.

“They’re so sexy when they do math,” he says, quirking his brows.

“Excuse him,” Kevin interrupts. “He’s into weird shit.”

“What, weird shit like you?” he asks, laughing.

Kevin’s face goes red and he bats at Changmin’s arm. “That was  _ once _ ! Get over it.”

Changmin cackles (full-on cackles, with a distinctly witchy quality) and pushes Kevin back once for revenge before saying, “Gotta go see Chanhee and then round everyone up and break the news about our next rehearsal.”

“News?” Jacob asks.

“It’s just earlier than they’ll want it to be,” he smirks. And with a wave, he’s off.

Kevin’s still flushed when he catches Jacob’s eye and suggests they start the trek back ( _ “Just in case you’re right about the air, you know.” _ ).

The lobby is still cold, growing colder each time someone opens the doors to leave. A constant reminder that they should leave too. Should go home and go back to not quite knowing when they’ll see each other next.

They linger.

“Really, thank you for coming. I didn’t wanna be alone.”

“Thanks for inviting me, I had a good time. For sure a better time than I would have had hunched over my laptop in the dark.”

“Well I’m glad.”

He doesn’t want to have to step out into the chill. He can’t see the sky well enough for it to be worth it, worth the chapped lips. Worth the loneliness of trudging back to the dorm by himself. But some rational betrayer in his brain is at the wheel and he gestures to the door, asks, “Should we go?”

“Okay,” Kevin nods. Bites his lip and adds, “I wish it was snowing. I know it’s too early, but I think it would be nice.”

“Where are you living?”

Kevin points in the opposite direction of Jacob’s own dorm. He had been right about the offer to walk together. “Ah, so I guess, uh… I guess this is it?”

“I guess,” Kevin says with a shrug. He pulls his coat on and stands at the door for almost five seconds before pushing it open and ushering Jacob out.

The wind has picked up a bit from the walk over.

“Goodnight, Jacob.”

“Goodnight. Text me when, uh…”

“Huh?”

He shakes his head and commits to it. “Text me when you get back. Just cause, you know, I wanna know you’re doing okay.”

Kevin smiles and nods, disappears with a wave.

Jacob spends a lot of the walk home thinking about this week’s schedule. He spends some of it on formulating the last few steps in finalizing his choice (annoying and bureaucratic, but unavoidable). And some of it, he spends on the post-show conversations he played audience to earlier.

_ “Like you?” _

_ “That was once!” _

He remembers the way Kevin’s face was almost the same shade of red as the shiny folder he uses to organize his unfinished physics assignments.

And then he thinks and thinks and can’t seem to stop thinking.

By the time he’s swiping his ID card at the door to the building, his brain is exhausted and he’s a bit too short of breath for just a leisurely walk home.

_ i'm home _

_ you can breathe again lmao _

Jacob’s not sure he can.

~

A quiet few days pass. They would be nicer if the sky was blue, but Jacob can’t complain.

He had just lay down to stare at the ceiling for half an hour in what he would later call a nap when Younghoon threw open the door and tossed his bag across the room. Jacob supposes he’s lucky it landed on Younghoon’s bed instead of his own, even though it was still startling to watch it sailing through the air.

“I hate having feelings.”

“Tell me about it,” he says, still horizontal, hoping he might find some spot on the ceiling interesting enough to zone out on.

“I wish I was just… I don’t know, a coral or something.”

“Is coral alive?”

“Yes,” he scoffs, as if that’s something Jacob should know. “But it doesn’t have a brain.”

“ _ Ooh _ , sounds like the life.”

“Jellyfish don’t have brains either.”

“That one, I knew.”

“They’re just bags of water and they never have to feel anything if they don’t want to.”

Jacob waits a moment to see if this is one of the times where Younghoon just needs to complain or one of the times where something’s actually wrong. Sometimes, if he waits long enough for more information, Younghoon will spill his guts and they both end up better off because of it.

But sometimes he doesn’t.

“Is something in particular wrong?”

“It’s the same thing that’s always wrong.”

Which is really several things. Comorbidities of heartbreak and exhaustion and the general underlying hurt of loving everything and everyone as much as Younghoon does.

“I’m sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you.”

“I’m glad you don’t. Everyone else gives me stupid advice.” At least his voice doesn’t sound weak and shaky like it does on worse days. “You know how many times I’ve been told to just download a dating app?”

Jacob laughs and is relieved when Younghoon does too.

Younghoon’s laugh is really beautiful, like a handful of sunshine he can bring wherever he goes. The sky outside is a thick sheet of gray, but their dorm is flickering with that light. Jacob’s grateful that Younghoon has far more good days than bad; sometimes he can soak up all the peace he needs just from hearing Younghoon laugh at the dumb frog videos Jaehyun’s always sending him.

For the past couple of days, peace of mind has been hard to come by.

His mind wanders and doesn’t come back for far too long. He gets carried away on the swirling wind of things he never thought he’d be the type to get hung up on.

Mostly, he wonders if Kevin’s gay.

It’s never been a problem for him before. Most of his friends like guys, and Jacob’s never batted an eye when they talk about relationships or coming out or even their sex lives. He’s been living with Younghoon for years and has never once given more than a moment of thought to his sexuality.

_ So why this? _

“Younghoon, how do you tell if someone is gay?”

“Man, I don’t know,” he laughs. “I mean, yes I do, but I don’t  _ know _ . Why?”

“I just… I don’t know.”

“Are you ‘asking for a friend’?” he asks, quirking his brows, his own woes forgotten.

“Nah, I… I just think Kevin might be, but I’m not sure.”

“Why?”

“Why do I think so?”

“Or why you care. I’m intrigued.”

“I don’t  _ care _ . It’s not a big deal or anything. It just… you know, it seems to be a big part of some of your lives. And I totally understand why, you know? And he’s my friend, so I feel like I wanna be supportive if I need to.”

It sounds good, would hold in court. Jacob just doesn’t know whether it’s true or not.

“Well, I haven’t met him yet. So I can’t tell you for sure.”

Jacob wonders whether it’s worth pressing for an answer, figures it probably isn’t. Some impatient part of him must override the process though, because without much further hesitation, he continues, “He called this one kid at the show last night ‘baby’, but I don’t know if it was in a… like, a flirty way or anything.” He’s embarrassed hearing himself obsessing over someone else’s sexuality like this. “And there was this thing that made me think he might have, uh, hooked up with his roommate at some point. But apparently it was a one-time thing, so-”

“Jacob, I can’t definitively tell you anything. I don’t know him.”

“Right. He really likes Beyoncé, though, if that helps.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Younghoon dismisses. “Beyoncé is objectively good.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“Look, if it really matters, you need to just ask him yourself.”

It only takes one second of Jacob imagining the conservation to decide it would be too painful for the net gain. Not worth it.

“Yeah, okay. Thank you.”

Younghoon gives him a moment to recover his pride before saying, “Or you could just be supportive regardless. And you  _ will _ be, cause you’re Jacob.”

Jacob imagines that’s Younghoon’s way of saying ‘I know something is going on here’. He almost wishes Younghoon would let him in on it; he’d like to know what’s happening in his own mind for once.

“Yeah.”

“Here,” he offers to move them along. “Look at this frilled shark Dr. Lee got to photograph last semester.”

Less than five seconds after Younghoon tosses his phone over, Jacob throws it back. “Oh, that’s horrific.”

“Yeah,” Younghoon agrees, voice soft the way it always is when he gets to dote on ugly animals.

“What were the coffee filters for?”

“Sea slugs.” As if that answers the question.

“Sea slugs don’t have feelings either, do they?”

Younghoon leans back and smiles. “I don’t know. For their sake, I hope not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Listen to your favorite song today and remember that my dog loves you!!


	3. Event Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Event horizon - in astrophysics, an event horizon is a boundary beyond which events cannot affect an observer; a point of no return
> 
> That "oh shit" moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! My class has me wondering if anything is real! Probably not! :D
> 
> I've loved reading your comments btw, they always make my day better. Hope you all enjoy this update!

There are about a million more productive things Jacob could be thinking of on his way to the law library than whether Kevin will be wearing his jacket with the Beyoncé pin. But sometimes life deviates from the productive path, and sometimes it’s inevitable to wonder after a friend’s choice of jacket.

Kevin was right, it’s still too early for snow. But the mental image of the old stone building with its high windows and worn steps blanketed in white is comforting the way that some unfamiliar things can be. A friend’s scarf or a compliment from a stranger. A library Jacob hasn’t paid enough attention to to consider it his. Kevin’s library.

He finds him waiting at the door, nose pink.

“You didn’t have to wait outside for me,” he says, surprised.

“Wanted to. Then you wouldn’t have to wait for me to come get you and swipe in. We can just go in together.”

Jacob nods, but he says, “If you catch a cold, I won’t feel sorry for you.”

“Yes you will. And don’t worry. I’d catch a cold for you.”

He doesn’t have anything to say to that, so he follows Kevin through the library back to the same room as last time in silence.

It’s darker this time, the autumnal difference of a few days like a bright flashing light, impossible to miss. The leaves are turning campus into a blazing fire and Jacob is staying inside more. Things are changing.

This session isn’t like their others. Kevin doesn’t have anything in particular he needs help with, and Jacob missed the library. So they’re mostly here to keep each other company, though Kevin stressed that he  _ might _ call upon Jacob’s ‘mystical knowledge of the cosmos’ (his words, not Jacob’s) for help if he hits a snag.

Jacob secretly hopes he hits a snag.

“What’re you working on?”

He looks up from his dinosaur of a laptop and answers, “Some work for my philosophy course.” Kevin wrinkles his nose and pantomimes gagging himself, and that makes Jacob laugh. “What? I thought that would be right up your alley.”

“Too many rules and crusty old men.”

Jacob’s lucky Kevin ended up being so easy to talk to. “You’re not wrong.”

“Why are you in a philosophy class anyway?”

“Graduation requirement. Have to have a couple courses in arts and humanities, and philosophy goes hand-in-hand with physics. And I didn’t really know what else to pick. Not cause I don’t like anything like that, I just don’t usually have much time to explore...”

Kevin flexes his fingers and glances up at Jacob through his eyelashes. “Do you need any more after philosophy?”

“One more.”

“Can I make some unsolicited suggestions?”

If Jacob had been blessed with the ability to train his face, he could’ve been a spy. He doesn’t like to brag, but he thinks he has the mind for it ( _ had _ the mind for it). Alas, he was born the sort of person who makes it easy on his friends, who makes it so people rarely have to guess at what he’s thinking.

Or… maybe just so Kevin rarely has to guess.

“I’m gonna take your snarky looking dumb face as a yes.”

“Okay,” Jacob says, still trying to tamp down his smile to a less embarrassing wattage.

“I think,” he starts, holding his fingers up to frame Jacob’s face and squinting. It makes him squirm, being examined. “I think you should look at some sort of music thing. Music, that goes with space  _ so well _ , you know?”

“I never told you what I picked,” he says, breathless.

“I know more than I let on,” he volleys back, raising his brows cartoonishly high. “It doesn’t have to be a performance class, could be like ‘music and culture’ or some college bullshit like that.”

How could someone look so soft saying the word ‘bullshit’?

“You’d look nice with a guitar.”

“I play guitar.” He keeps his eyes on his screen, hopes Kevin is doing the same. He won’t be able to conceal a flattered blush and could do without the teasing.

“No way.” Jacob can hear the smile in his voice and tries to control the corners of his mouth. “No way, you’re lying!”

“I’m not. I’ve played for years.”

“God, that’s so much better than philosophy. Word to the wise, I would never fuck a philosophy major. Advise your friends against that path.”

He chokes. “You’re so much more outgoing than the first night we met.”

He immediately wishes he hadn’t said it. It’s like watching a hermit crab duck back into its shell, and Jacob knows he’s the one who’s overstepped. The back of his neck itches and his heart is beating the way it did when he had to present something in class back in high school.

“It’s not a bad thing. I like it.” He frantically searches for something to say to take them back to two minutes ago. What he needs is a time machine, and all he has is his increasingly unhelpful brain. “I like you acting like yourself. You seemed nervous then, anyway.”

Kevin pulls his hands from the tabletop and rests them in his lap. But he looks up at Jacob, catches his eyes and holds them. Jacob sits up a little taller and tries to soften his eyes, tries to become the physical embodiment of sincerity. “I  _ was _ nervous.”

“Mmm, yeah, meeting new people can be hard. And failing a class is exhausting, really draining.”

Kevin looks at him, doesn’t say anything. Jacob can’t remember him acting like this before. Then, just as Jacob is thinking maybe he should just carry on, Kevin adds, “I was really nervous. But I’m more comfortable around you now.”

“I’m comfortable around you too.”

Kevin doesn’t look like he buys it. Jacob’s not sure he should.

“I… I’m kind of loud sometimes. But I can also get so,  _ so _ anxious-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Kevin. I really do like you when you’re relaxed. The first night we met, this is gonna sound bad…” He wishes he had thought it through before he started talking again. Too late to go back now. “I don’t remember  _ too _ much of that night. But since we’ve become actual friends, you’ve been yourself, I think. I remember that.”

Kevin nods and looks back to his laptop screen.

Jacob takes a deep breath and settles a little lower in his chair, ready to drown himself in work, this time in the presence of another person instead of all by himself.

Kevin must not be, though. “Your memory isn’t very good.”

He stifles a laugh. “Yeah, no, it’s not. It’s not great.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Kevin brushes his hair back from his face and starts tracing the wood grain of the tabletop with his fingertips. “My friend, the one doing the research, his project is about memory.”

“It’s really not a problem.” Younghoon would pounce on him if he heard a lie like that.

“Do you think it’s stress? Not to pry, of course.”

He clenches his jaw but forces a smile. “I’m not sure what it is. My roommate thinks it is, though.”

“Hmm, I’m sorry.”

“It’s really not an issue. I’m not failing classes or anything.”

That one isn’t a lie; he isn’t failing a single class. He never misses shifts at the lab or his internship, always completes assignments on time. But he forgot Jaehyun’s birthday a couple weeks ago and got turned around on his way to visit Chanhee at the boutique they work at earlier in the month, despite dropping by every now and then for the past two years. He hadn’t slept well the night before, so when Chanhee had asked what was wrong, that’s what he said.

“You never forget physics stuff.”

“Yeah I do. I just work really hard to keep it. It matters to me to remember.”

“Study a lot?”

“I’m just… always thinking about it.”

Kevin winces and laughs. “Okay, nerd.”

“I mean not  _ always _ , obviously. I have a life.”

“Sounds like something someone who doesn’t have a life would say.”

Jacob thanks the universe for making Kevin laugh and letting him follow along. “Okay, well at least the thing I’m always thinking about knows I exist. Gravity and I are pretty tight, but when has Beyoncé ever noticed you?”

He gasps, fingers splayed across his chest. “How  _ could _ you? I’m working on it!”

Kevin has stars in his eyes.

If Jacob looked long enough, he could name a constellation.

“Earth to Jacob?”

“Huh?”

Kevin smiles, his eyebrows furrowed and head tilted, every gesture overdone like a comedian from Jacob’s childhood. That’s just how he is. “Kinda zoned out for a second. Thought you were having a tiny little seizure.”

“Oh. No, just… I’m just here.”

“You’re just here,” he parrots, lips turned up and eyes pressed to happy lines. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Jacob almost can’t keep up with the roller coaster of feeling Kevin’s taking him on, the twisting path of joking and discomfort and saying far too much in sentences about nothing.

All he knows for sure is that there’s something exciting about it.

“I’ve done almost no work since we got here,” Kevin says. He doesn’t seem terribly worried about it.

“Yeah, me too.”

“I want coffee.”

Jacob has to meet his eyes to see whether he’s serious or not.

His shoulders sag and his heart jolts when he realizes that, yes, Kevin is serious. Deadly so.

“I’ll pay for you.”

Jacob is rarely the type to put off for tomorrow what can be done today. He’s rarely the type to look at a full schedule and decide to go get coffee. But ‘rarely’ still leaves room for ‘sometimes’.

“Lead the way.”

~

Whenever Kevin’s hands aren’t wrapped around his paper coffee cup, he’s rubbing them together for warmth. “Poor circulation,” he explains.

Jaehyun has a similar problem; he makes Sangyeon hold his hands when they get cold.

“You should wear rings. You have, um, nice hands.”

It doesn’t necessarily take Jacob by surprise. Kevin’s been looking at his hands ever since they sat down. “Thanks. I don’t know if I own any? But Younghoon definitely has a couple, maybe I can borrow them.” And without any thought or permission from his brain, he winks. The cherry on top of whatever he’s doing right now.

Kevin presses his lips together and looks down at his cup, just for a second. “Younghoon…?”

“Roommate,” he explains.

“Ah, cool,” Kevin sighs, nodding his head. “Is he also a physics genius?”

“God, I wish one of us was,” he laughs. “Nah, he does stuff with fish.”

Kevin furrows his eyebrows and cocks his head to the side, the perfect picture of confusion, something Younghoon frequently inspires. “Excuse me?”

“It’s ambiguous. He’s designing his own major, and it’s mostly a whole lot of things that live in the water. You should meet him. He’s a character.”

“I mean, sounds like it.”

“You should actually meet all my friends. There really aren’t that many, it wouldn’t take too long.”

Kevin’s eyes light up, supernovae in a dimly lit campus café. He manages an “Aren’t that many  _ requited _ friendships, probably. I’m sure you have a bunch of people who want some and you don’t even give them time of day,” before taking another sip to warm himself up. “So sad,” he adds with a mock pout.

“You think I’m cooler than I actually am.”

“Probably,” Kevin answers, voice hushed. He brushes his hair back and presses his fingertips to the tabletop, continues, “But that’s an honor, so be grateful.”

“Oh yeah, I’m  _ so  _ grateful.” He knows he’s doing a lousy job of playing the annoyed part. Good thing he doesn’t have to pretend too much longer, as his attention is pulled somewhere entirely different. Namely, the subtle pressure he feels on the inside of his shin, moving slowly up nearly to his knee and then down again. His mind, like always, is no help. Entirely absent.

Jacob doesn’t move his leg.

“So, we’re looking at string theory,” Kevin muses, sipping at his coffee. “Obviously not anything too hard, just the general idea, some of what physicists are saying about it. But it’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah. It’s… yeah, it’s cool.”

“I kind of like the idea, all these different dimensions of space and time, looping together… I don’t know what it’s used for, but-”

“It’s, uh, it’s used a lot to explain black hole mechanics. Some people think it could, um, be used to to build really fast computers.”

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

Kevin probably doesn’t even know what he’s doing.

“You seem kinda, I don’t know, jumpy?”

“The coffee maybe. I don’t usually have something this strong.”

Kevin narrows his eyes but nods anyway. “So, Younghoon’s fish? What made him decide he liked fish so much he had to make a whole new major?”

Jacob pulls his leg away, and Kevin’s face falls.

“Oh my God, was that your leg?”

“No. Well, kinda,” he answers.

Kevin buries his face in his hands and slumps back in his chair. “I thought it was the table. I’m fading away.”

Jacob isn’t sure which is worse: his racing heart before Kevin realized, or the way it fell once he did. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, catching his breath. “It’s fine.”

Kevin looks out at Jacob from between his fingers. “Jacob, I’m devastated.”

Smile. It’s so easy,  _ just smile _ , usher this along as quickly and smoothly as possible. “Don’t be devastated. I’m liable to do something ten times more embarrassing before we leave.”

Still hiding, he says, “We can’t leave until you embarrass yourself.”

Kevin is ridiculous and dramatic, making this worse for himself than Jacob wants it to be. But he’s Kevin, and Jacob is smiling softly and nodding, and he can’t find a single part of him that wants to do anything but what Kevin wants him to, not for lack of trying. “Okay.”

Slowly, Jacob coaxes him back to their usual conversational rhythm. He gets Kevin laughing, talking about his art and his friends. He finishes his coffee and watches Kevin draw his own out, taking tiny sips here and there between stories, always with his hands wrapped around the cup or pressed together on the tabletop. Watches the day bleed away through the shop’s window, the sky fade from an icy blue gray to more of a slate. Maybe it'll rain.

“Maybe it’ll rain,” he observes.

Kevin grimaces. “What gross weather.”

“Should we leave?”

“You haven’t embarrassed yourself yet.”

“Hey,” he whines. “What kind of friend are you, holding me hostage until I’m just as miserable as you?”

“I’m not miserable anymore,” he says, resting the palm of his hand against the side of his throat, leaning with his elbow on the table. Jacob wonders whether his neck is warm, thinks he read somewhere that that’s why snakes like to drape themselves like feather boas. Wonders whether his hands feel okay, whether Kevin’s always so inconsistent, always searching for the best way to keep himself warm. “I promise, it only stings a little. Doesn’t even hurt, really.”

He wishes he hadn’t finished his coffee; his mouth is dry.

“Isn’t my general being embarrassing enough?”

“Are you one of those people? I didn’t think of you like that, so self-deprecating.”

Of course, he’s right. It had felt odd to say the second it was out, and Kevin just  _ knew _ . It’s the sort of thing he would only say when he’s unsure of where to go next. “That’s your psychology brain at work.”

“No, I just- I pay attention.”

“There  _ is _ something wrong with me.”

Kevin nods, understanding. Not agreeing, just following along wherever Jacob chooses to lead him. Jacob figures he set that precedent himself, following Kevin to pulsing music and metal and meeting his people. “There’s something wrong with everybody. If it’s any consolation, I like you just the way you are.”

“What an elementary school teacher line,” he jokes.

“I do love kids,” he beams, leaning in across the table. Just the two of them in these seats, in this café, on this campus.

The universe and them, a two-star system.

Kevin’s hands are cold, but he still misses the snow.

“Let’s go,” he offers, shoving his hands in his pockets and waiting for Jacob to gather all of his things. “I’m sure I’ll get to see you do plenty of embarrassing things.”

Jacob likes the way Kevin has started talking about them as if they’re fixtures in one another’s lives. Figures now they are.

~

He doesn’t let Kevin pay him anymore. Really, their relationship was never meant to go on this long. So there’s no more money involved, just company (and frequently coffee). Fair, he thinks.

But the thing about Kevin is that he’s creative.

The first time, Kevin had asked him to meet at that same café from the first morning they spent as real friends, now a regular spot. He had ordered a parfait and already excavated his ceremonial first chunk of pineapple when he pulled a tiny blue velvet pouch out of his bag, the same kind used to hold polished stones in tourist trap gift shops. He had slid the bag across the table and fixed his eyes on Jacob, obviously waiting.

_ “What’s this?” _

_ “For helping me out. Open it.” _

Inside were two guitar picks. Medium flexibility, rounded shape, looking like the night sky. Translucent royal blue and indigo, run through with silver glitter and tiny stars.

_ “I tried to get good ones. I don’t know what style you-” _

_ “They’re perfect. Thank you.” _

He had taken them back to the dorm that day and set them on the windowsill next to his bed. Rubbed his thumb across the resin face and paid attention to his heartbeat.

The second time, it was a set of tiny star-shaped studs ( _ “I noticed you had them pierced. These might look nice.” _ ). Jacob’s been wearing them for two weeks now.

The third time was actually a gift for Younghoon, a beanie baby lobster he had found on an art supplies run and swore he couldn’t leave the store without.

This time, Jacob is prepared. He invited Kevin to meet at his usual library (not nearly as pretty as the law library, but much closer to his dorm) just after his physics class, which should have ended around ten minutes ago. So he should be here soon-

A pair of hands hover in front of Jacob’s eyes, so close his eyelashes could brush the palms if he blinked. “Guess who.”

Reaching up to grab Kevin’s wrists, he says, “Oprah.”

“Wrong! God, you’re kinda dumb.”

He makes himself at home across the table in no time at all. They have it down to a science, this approximation of close friendship, this pseudo-academia-bound courtship. Meet at a library or coffee shop or some other studious, neutral location. Bring a backpack to maintain the illusion. Begin the work, maybe even complete a full assignment.

But each and every time, by the time they part ways, the whole thing has devolved into joking and complaining about professors, laughing too loudly for wherever they’ve picked this time and forgetting the pretense they arrived under.

“How was class?”

Kevin’s been getting more into cosmology, more than Jacob ever expected. He was already mostly proficient by the time they started to become friends, but still, he needs Jacob’s help less every day. That doesn’t mean they spend any less time together, though. In fact, Jacob hears from Kevin more often now than ever before, always receiving links to scientific articles and Beyoncé music videos, constantly being badgered to ask Kevin about what theories he likes best and to fluff his ego for getting better with astrophysics. So Jacob does. He wants to.

“We’ve been looking a bit into the multiverse. So far, I like it.”

But sometimes the ego fluffing is difficult. He can’t help but groan, and Kevin looks performatively offended.

“What? Why are you already grumpy?”

“The multiverse,” he laughs. “It just… doesn’t really matter.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Kevin demands, eyes wide. “It’s a cool theory. And imagine if we could access the other universes.” Starry eyes, Jacob almost feels bad about bursting his bubble.

“We literally cannot observe it. Light from  _ possible _ other universes will  _ never  _ reach us across the cosmological horizon. If it isn’t measurable, it isn’t science. The multiverse matters as much as astrology.”

Kevin huffs and says, “I fucking hate geminis.”

Jacob smiles and holds his hands up, pleading peace. “I mean, it’s fun. But how will we ever know it’s real? How are we supposed to just forget science because we want something to be true?”

“But why can’t you just entertain it?” It’s equal parts innocent question and challenge, just like so many of the things Kevin asks him. “Scared to think of things in a new way?”

" _N_ _ot_ scared,” he answers. “There’s just a certain way we’re supposed to do things.”

“Maybe, if you let yourself think a little differently every once in a while, you’d start to see things you never would have before.”

He bites back his smile and shrugs. “Maybe. But every observable-”

“Everything is relative,” Kevin quips back.

Jacob doesn’t correct him; he’s sure he already knows. He has the sneaking suspicion that, sometimes, even when Kevin talks spacetime and symmetry and multiverse, he’s not really talking about astrophysics at all.

They let it go and Kevin pulls out his laptop, upholding his end of the unspoken bargain. As soon as he looks settled in to work, Jacob says, “Guess what.” Doesn’t give him time to respond before he tosses a tiny brown paper-wrapped package in an arc over his computer.

Luckily, Kevin catches it (he’s fumbled easier catches before). Jacob busies himself with scrolling through buzzfeed quizzes while he unwraps.

“Oh, Jacob, wow-”

“The seller said they’re really warm. And they don’t look it, but they should be good for snow-”

“They’re so nice.” His eyes are wide, lips turned up delicately. Jacob watches as he pulls the gloves on and flexes his fingers one by one. “They’re so pretty, I could wear them just for that.”

“You like them?”

“They’re perfect.”

They look nice on Kevin’s hands. Thin and black, made of some material that, with a quick google search, reminded Jacob why he didn’t choose thermodynamics as his focus. The woman selling them online assured him that they’re perfect for the snow.

“Like ‘Single Ladies’.”

“Oh my God,” Jacob laughs. “I didn’t even realize.”

“I can do the whole dance.”

“Please don’t.”

Kevin laughs and tugs the gloves off. “You’re lucky I’m so reasonable and accommodating.” Jacob’s just about to protest when Kevin adds, “And lucky that I like you so much.”

“Like me so much?”

He thinks about the guitar picks resting on his windowsill, the earrings in his ears. The lobster tucked into Younghoon’s covers and the way he calls Kevin ‘Jacob’s boy’.

The smile on Kevin’s face shrinks and he warns, “Don’t play dumb.”

“What if it’s not playing?” He had planned to overthink  _ later _ , it’s too much now. “Sometimes I  _ am _ dumb, Kevin.”

“Nevermind, then.”

_ Younghoon had said he would have to ask. _

“Okay. Nevermind, then.”

Kevin goes back to joking easily. Every time they do this, begin to say something and then reel it in before anything’s happened, one of them will step up and start the forgetting. Jacob’s glad that Kevin’s feeling up to the task today; he sure isn’t.

He actually finishes an assignment he started last night while half-watching  _ X-Men _ . Kevin gets through the lineart of a digital drawing he’s doing for a scholarship contest. Jacob doesn’t miss the way he rolls the edge of the gloves between his fingers when he’s evaluating his work.

The air outside when they part ways is thin. The sort of dry cold that burrows through the skin. No snow yet.

Kevin waves goodbye wearing his new gloves.

~

He hadn’t checked his phone since Kevin sat down across from him. It’s not unusual for him to find a flood of messages from Chanhee in all caps with first lines like ‘URGENT!! I AM DYING!!’. But what  _ is _ unusual is a flood of messages from Chanhee worried out of their mind about Younghoon, a sea of

_ he won’t text me back _

_ he won’t pick up when I call either _

_ i'm worried cobie _

_ please talk to him _

Jacob tries to keep the guilt of inattentiveness at bay as he unlocks the dorm room, relieved to see Younghoon sitting exactly where he left him earlier today. Not dead or abducted or even visibly distraught.

“Hey, Younghoon, what’s up?”

“Nothing.” His voice is low and clipped, nothing like the lilting soft tone he usually greets him with.

He tries to tread lightly, but above all, he wants to know what’s wrong. “Chanhee’s been texting me. Wants you to go talk to them. They say you haven’t been answering their texts. Even tried calling, they said.”

“I can’t,” he answers, not even turning away from his laptop.

“Why not? Something wrong with your phone?”

“No, I can’t go talk to them.” He says it matter-of-factly, but his voice gets small at the end. Fragile.

“Why?” Jacob asks gently.

“I did something bad. They’re mad at me.”

Padding over to where Younghoon’s sitting at his desk, he says, “They didn’t seem mad to me. Seemed worried.”

Younghoon sits taller in his chair and trains his eyes on the laptop screen. Won’t look at Jacob.

“What did you do that you think they’re mad at you for?”

It takes a moment, but Jacob knows how to be patient. He knows how Younghoon works.

“I kissed them.”

“Oh.”

“I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t-” he catches his breath. “I don’t know why I did it. I’ve gone so long just… I messed everything up.”

He takes a moment to let Younghoon breathe and to collect his own thoughts. Wishes he would look at him. “Sometimes… we mess things up. But Chanhee wants to talk to you. Somehow, I don’t know exactly how, they want to set things right.” Younghoon shakes his head, and Jacob continues, “And you can’t just ignore someone you care about. You can’t do that to Chanhee.”

“I can’t go see them.”

“You should. They want to talk to you, Younghoon. Even if they are mad, it’s not enough to have stopped them from worrying about you.”

Younghoon furrows his brows and blinks furiously. His lips turn down at harsh angles, like they’re being tugged with fishing line. Jacob doesn’t want to see him cry; it always makes him so sad to see Younghoon cry.

“Everything is gonna be okay,” he soothes. “Chanhee is understanding. Please try to talk to them. It’ll make things better.”

Again, he waits. And then, a tiny nod. Younghoon presses the heels of his hands to his eyes and Jacob gingerly drapes himself over his shoulders. He murmurs something, but Jacob misses it.

“Hmm?”

“I’m scared, Cobie. They’re my best friend.”

“I know you’re scared. But you know what? Chanhee is too. They want to make things better for the two of you, I’m sure.”

“I wish I hadn’t done it.”

Jacob gently guides Younghoon to his feet and pulls him into a hug. “I know. But you’re gonna be okay.”

“When-” his voice gets caught in his throat and Jacob hugs tighter for a second. “When should I do it?”

“I think texting them back would be a good first step. Tell them you wanna talk. Then, as soon as you’re ready.”

Younghoon nods and turns to shut his laptop. Grabs his phone and smiles weakly at Jacob. He tries to return it as encouragingly as he can, but he knows that now, it’s out of his hands. What happens next is Younghoon and Chanhee, and if it all goes wrong, then Jacob can help pick up the pieces.

~

Younghoon fidgets and cries off and on for two days. He doesn’t eat and Jacob is forced to be annoying and imposing with his music, playing it loudly on their speakers whenever the two of them are home together just so Younghoon won’t drown himself in sad songs. Jacob lets him circle the issue for a while, but it quickly gets too hard to watch him beat himself up.

With Jacob’s help, he formulates a text asking whether Chanhee is free to talk. The response comes in almost immediately.

_ i always have time for you _

_ come over whenever you can _

He checks his eyes in his phone camera and then has Jacob confirm that they don’t look too puffy, pulls on a coat, and squeezes his lobster’s claw for luck.

“It’ll be okay, Jacob.”

Jacob knows he’s telling it to himself. He nods and wishes him luck, hopes that when he comes back, the sun will come back with him.

And then he’s left alone.

He tries his usual distraction, sitting down at his desk and rifling through that manila folder, opening his laptop and staring at a screen with nothing on it. Five minutes go by and he can’t bring himself to start anything; work isn’t working.

On auto-pilot, he drifts to his bed. Curls up on his side and grabs a pick without looking. The indigo one. Two of the tiny confetti stars got stuck together in the resin near the point of the pick while it was being poured, one layered over the other so that only half of the bottom one is visible. He knows this pick like the back of his hand.

Something nags at him. Not the way the things he’s forgotten nag, not an insistent empty space, not a mental atrophy. Something his brain has been trying to give him and he’s been pushing away. Something tucked behind a curtain. Like a traditional dance show, a place to hide, a place where he wouldn’t have to blame his breathlessness on the air.

It’s the way Chanhee told Jacob they were scared and Younghoon admitted the same thing in a shaky whisper not even twenty minutes later.

It’s the way Sangyeon can’t ever sigh over Jaehyun’s antics without smiling, the way they put down roots together and bought new mugs.

It’s the way that when Jacob’s mind is cloudy and his body aches with all the mental energy he’s given away, he reaches for a guitar pick and never even plays.

He doesn’t have the strength to lean against the door anymore. He can’t tell whether he knows more or less about himself than he did yesterday, can’t tell whether he wants to learn any more. But the door’s open now.

Inside is the night sky, dusted with stars, full moon glowing.

His phone lights up with a text.

_ i think it might snow soon!! _

The universe is a little wider than it was this morning.

Jacob is scared, and no one is home to tell.

~

When Younghoon gets back, he finds his roommate curled up in bed, absorbed in watching something on his phone.

Jacob can feel it immediately. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Younghoon breathes, shoulders sagging in relief. He hangs up his coat and sits in his desk chair, spins it around so he can look at Jacob, grinning from ear to ear. “Everything is okay.”

“Still friends?”

“Still friends,” he confirms with a nod. “I feel bad about making them worry. They were messy when I got there.”

Jacob snorts and says, “That means you’re really special. They only ever truly lose it over math.”

“Oh, to be as important as math,” Younghoon jokes.

Things should be better now. The tension should have bled out of their dorm room, fled to some other pair of roommates far more tragic than the two of them. Jacob wishes he could have let that happen. Wishes he could indulge in the good feeling Younghoon’s enjoying.

But, more importantly, he hopes that Younghoon isn’t able to tell that he’s not.

And when Younghoon forces himself onto his favorite perch at the end of Jacob’s bed, spreads out and kicks at Jacob’s legs until he makes room for him to join in his impromptu (distractive) movie-watching, he thinks he’ll be awarded that small victory.

He’ll think quietly. Evaluate by himself and leave Younghoon out of it.

He’ll leave everyone out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Jacob. It be like that :/
> 
> Thank you for reading this and allowing me to share the stuff I write for the boyz. I'm a relatively new stan (I think? Since like late March I guess), so it's cool to be able to write for them and have people enjoy it. Two more chapters to go! Remember that you are an awesome person and my dog loves you!


	4. Escape Velocity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Escape velocity - the minimum velocity that a moving body must have to escape from the gravitational field of a celestial body
> 
> Jacob makes space for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My professor canceled our final exam I LOVE HIM!!!
> 
> This one is mayyybe the most ~angsty~ one here, but it's still me writing, so it's really not that bad. I deliberately did not model Jacob's experience after my own because I didn't want it to be depressing (lmao), so I hope I was able to do justice to another sort of experience with this type of self-discovery ^_^

_busy today??_

_if not,,, i’m headed to target_

_kinda hate grocery shopping alone :/_

_i'll buy you snacks_

In high school, Jacob would go grocery shopping with friends whenever he could. He liked creating something fun out of one of the most mundane things in the world, liked the feeling of having someone there during the slow moments. The intimacy of it.

_I actually have a lot to catch up on today_

_:(_

_Good luck though_

“Jacob,” Younghoon trills from the bathroom. “I wanna go out to lunch. Come with me?”

“Where are you going?”

“It’s been a while since I had pho.”

Jacob tries to remember where that little family-owned shop is, comes up about ninety percent sure it’s a stone’s throw from the shopping center. With his luck, he’d run into Kevin. “Sorry, I’m kinda busy today. Gonna be a ‘two oreos for lunch’ sorta deal.”

Younghoon knows him too well, and _worse_ , he still hasn’t given up on his personal mission to memorize his schedule. He ducks out of the bathroom and, eyes narrowed, asks, “What do you have to do?”

“Just, you know. I have… physics.”

“Well _duh_.” When Jacob doesn’t immediately cave, he adds, “You don’t have to go out with me if you don’t want to. Just don’t spend all day in here.” He throws his arms out, gesturing to their entire living space, and says, “Soul-sucking box. Don’t let it suck out your soul.”

“Okay,” he smiles. “I have to go into the lab later anyway, so-”

“Doesn’t count! That’s just soul-sucking box number two.”

He waves him off, and eventually Younghoon leaves with a final, “Can’t believe I have to eat alone. So sad, Jacob.”

Jacob laughs, says, “Don’t act like I’m your only friend.” And that seems to satisfy him.

The door clicks shut and the room is quiet.

He technically _does_ have work to do. But he also worked ahead for days specifically so he could have a more relaxing day before his shift, and actually following through on the excuse he gave sounds about as appealing as trying to explain quantum mechanics to his little cousins. Good thing there’s always netflix.

He browses for nearly ten minutes without finding anything good. Closes the app, pulls up google, nearly ready to give in and do something productive, if only for lack of a more compelling option. Stares at the search bar.

Hesitantly, he types ‘how to know if you’re gay’. Looks at it and backspaces until it’s gone. Catches his breath, types ‘how to know if you’re bi’, and presses enter before he can think about it too hard.

The first result is an article from _Cosmo_. All of the top five results are explicitly for women. The seventh is from a website with the word ‘gay’ in the title. Jacob guesses he wasn’t sure what he expected.

_How important is this, really?_

The million-dollar question. He gives himself time to reconcile it all (kind of; after five minutes, he accepts that it may be a longer-term process than the time he has before Younghoon gets home). Then he starts reading.

Some of it is helpful, some of it is confusing. It’s all too much.

He’s not completely new to the ideas; he’d be hard-pressed to think of a truly close friend who isn’t queer, save his brother. The only newness is thinking about it all as reflexive. Hearing Sangyeon explain to him that he’s still attracted to women makes perfect sense, yet somehow when Jacob examines himself, everything falls apart.

The old night sky, her face. The way she made him feel. He tears it all to pieces, dissecting every moment until his head aches.

The way the stars have seemed to shift recently, forming new constellations he’s never noticed before. The distinctly masculine shape of the cosmos. Thick sketching paper and denim jackets, clerestory light and slender fingers. He tries to paint a picture without a model, analyze his feelings in a vacuum.

If he says Kevin’s name, there’ll be no going back.

He thinks about the articles littering the navigation tabs at the top of his screen. Thinks about his friends, thinks about how seeing just one notification from a certain person makes him feel like he’s falling.

Deep breath.

No going back, then.

~

_are you up?_

_if u are, go to sleep, it’s late_

_but also….. i need help with physics_

Kevin’s texts didn’t wake him up; he had already decided to forgo sleep to read a blog post about pansexuality, something he heard Chanhee mention once, if his memory is correct.

_Sorry I'm asleep rn_

_okay liar_

_i fucking hate everything about electromagnetism_

_Join the club, man_

Jacob wonders how many times he’s addressed him like that without feeling weird about it. Now, ‘man’ crawls under his skin, makes him squirm. It’s the way he addresses friends. But that’s not all Kevin is now.

_will you pretty please help me tomorrow_

_i'll take u out for ice cream as compensation_

_;)_

Kevin is human. He’s not telepathic. Jacob has to remind himself that for both reassurance and management of his frustration.

On the one hand, Kevin can’t read his mind. There’s no way he could know until Jacob decides to tell him.

On the other, Kevin can’t read his mind. He doesn’t realize how hard he’s made everything, how much exhaustive self-examination he’s inspired. If he knew, he would leave, because he’s Kevin. He’s kind and considerate, too good.

_I’m actually not the best to ask about EM_

_But Chanhee, the one who sent me your post?_

_They had a couple physics courses a bit ago_

_They’re insanely good with EM_

_Here, I'll send you their number and insta_

Is he the sort of person to brush someone off so easily? Even things entirely unrelated to his romantic leaning are unfamiliar to him now. Jacob’s in the midst of relearning himself.

_okay thanks !!_

It’s too late at night. A text like that shouldn’t hurt.

_we can still get ice cream if you want_

_I’ll have to see when I'm free_

_I’m gonna go to sleep_

_But good luck with Chanhee_

_You’re in good hands!_

It feels like giving up.

But thank God for small mercies; Kevin doesn’t respond.

~

It becomes a habit, navigating each day as if it’s a trap. He hasn’t felt this creative in years; each excuse he gives is a performance worthy of critical acclaim. Sometimes he almost believes Kevin can’t see right through him.

He makes it nine days without ever having to sit across from him and pretend he didn’t give him gloves as a temporary fix for lonely hands. Nine days of keeping to himself and clearing out the attic of his memory, rooting through his past in search of a rosetta stone to translate his life into a neat, digestible label.

After those nine days, Kevin stops texting.

It’s exactly what Jacob had hoped for, time. And it aches. And it’s boring. And he wishes he had been a little less lucky.

But now that he has this creeping loneliness, these past few days of radio silence, he has to make use of it all. He crushes down the tiny nervousness he woke up with this morning and calls out to a quiet room.

“Younghoon,” he starts, wishing his voice wasn’t so small.

He pulls his earbuds out and turns around in the swivel chair he loves so much ( _“Let me have some youthful joy, Cobie.”_ ). “Hmm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it.”

“How did you… know?” He knows it’s not enough.

Younghoon cocks his head to the side and furrows his eyebrows. “I’m sorry?”

He meets Younghoon’s eyes and gives himself time to steady. “How did you know you like guys?”

“Oh,” Younghoon says, face unchanging but voice soft. “Well…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Jacob tries to relax his shoulders, control his fidgeting fingers.

“No, that’s not it. Here,” he starts, climbing up to the end of Jacob’s bed and trying to cross his absurdly long legs without falling off the edge. “Okay. I guess, well, here’s the thing. I had never felt… I wasn’t interested in girls the way other boys said they were. And then I met a boy early in high school… things just started to make sense.” His lips are turned down like he knows it’s not what Jacob wanted.

Jacob nods, trying to keep from getting frustrated.

“But,” he continues, “I’m pretty much gay, right? So a lot of my story has to do with not liking girls. If that’s not the story you’re looking to hear, then there are other people you could talk to. Sangyeon, Jaehyun- hey, you know, Dr. Song is bi. And she has a wife!”

Younghoon must notice Jacob’s distress because he quickly brings his voice back down to its soothing timbre.

“Anyway, those stories might be closer to what you’re looking for?”

“Hmm, yeah, probably.”

Younghoon doesn’t leave. His laptop screen blinks away to black, but he stays perched at the end of Jacob’s bed, leaning against the wall carefully so as to avoid knocking any of the pictures taped there to the ground.

“Uh, thank you,” he offers, making eye contact. Trying to give Younghoon an out to pretend nothing ever happened. Just in case.

Instead, he says, “It can be hard at first. Don’t beat yourself up if it isn’t easy.”

_But why? Why is it so hard?_

“It might be nothing.”

“It might,” Younghoon agrees. “It’s always harder when it’s you, though. Even for the small things. Sometimes, it’s just easier to accept other people than yourself.”

Jacob nods. Logically, he doesn’t understand. But not much has felt logical lately.

“Can I pry about one thing? You don’t have to answer me.”

Younghoon’s hesitance, of all things, makes him smile. “I can’t guarantee I’ll even know the answer.”

“Was it Kevin? Or is it independent of him?”

He reaches up to touch the earrings he still hasn’t taken out. Rests his elbows on his knees with his hands to his shoulders, making his own cage. “Yeah. It was Kevin.”

He nods, pressing his lips together so his cheeks puff up like rising bread. “Have you been talking to him?”

“ _About this?_ ” he asks, incredulous.

“No,” Younghoon whines, drawing it out like a little kid. “You haven’t been talking about him as much. I’m just wondering.”

“I’ve been _thinking_ about him.”

“Doesn’t count, he can’t hear your thoughts. Don’t ice him out, please.” He slides off the edge of the bed and trudges back to his desk, complaining about work for some geology class.

Jacob waits for him to finish and says, “I’ll do your geology assignments if you figure out my sexuality for me.”

It’s the first time he’s joked about it, the first time he’s said it in so many words.

“Talk to an elder bisexual, bring me the results, and you’ve got a deal.”

“No way! Then I’d be doing all the work anyway,” he laughs. _God, it feels good to laugh about this._

“What’s the point of having an angel roommate if you’re not even going to do my homework for me?”

“Eye candy?”

Younghoon rolls his eyes and mimes picking up a phone. “Seriously, talk to a friend. I want you like this again, laughing and stuff.”

Jacob wants it too.

He consults his tiny, horrible phone calendar. There’s some time open tomorrow afternoon.

_Hey, are you free tomorrow?_

_This is gonna sound weird cause it is_

_I need to talk to a bi person_

_I’m working all day tomorrow_

Obviously. Sangyeon’s worked long Wednesday shifts for months now. It’s the entire reason they stopped having movie nights so regularly; his schedule sent everything awry.

_That’s okay, I forgot about your schedule_

_Jaehyun is bi_

_Is this for a class?_

_Yes_

_Sociology_

A white lie. Easy enough to fix if he ever needs to. If talking to Jaehyun makes him realize he has something to tell people.

_I didn’t even know you took soc_

_We need to spend more time together lol_

Okay. So he’ll fess up sooner rather than later, if only to restore Sangyeon’s faith in their friendship. But now he has something more important on his plate.

_So Jaehyun is free tomorrow?_

_He should be_

_Okay, thanks_

_Maybe a movie night soon?_

_Definitely_

Jacob’s heart hammers as he texts Jaehyun to set up a time to hang out, sans explanation. No need to lie again, Sangyeon’s sure to tell him about it anyway. Luckily, he doesn’t ask questions. Jacob will tell him the truth and he can pass the message on to Sangyeon over wine or a football game or whatever the two of them do together.

It’ll all be okay. Whatever Jaehyun tells him will be what he needs to hear.

If he repeats it enough, it’ll start to feel true.

~

Jacob loves their apartment.

It’s been a while since he last visited, and the décor has changed slightly, but the feeling is the same. The actual unit is a little old, a little dingy. Definitely the sort of apartment two college students would be able to afford. But it’s well-loved.

In addition to the arguable focal point of the space (the inordinately large fish tank) they have an old navy blue couch they bought off Sangyeon’s uncle a few months ago, and in its short time here, it’s already amassed an impressive collection of throw pillows. None of them match; one of them has ‘God bless cowboys’ embroidered across it in looping burnt orange thread. Must be a new addition.

“I like your pillow,” he snorts.

“That’s the gayest pillow we have,” Jaehyun laughs, stroking it lovingly. “Sangyeon found it at this sale out of a dead lady’s house and nearly had an aneurysm buying it.”

“ _Why?_ ”

Jaehyun scrunches his face up and explains, “Just picture the scene. A bunch of stuffy old people arguing over antique dressers and fine china, and then this beefcake having to explain that, no, he’s not interested in buying the settee it’s sitting on, just _this_ fucking pillow. Come on Einstein, use that big brain of yours.”

Even though Sangyeon is one of his best friends and Jaehyun is a slightly more recent addition, Jacob’s glad things ended up like this. No one can redirect tension like Jaehyun. Any worry Jacob had before he crossed the threshold of their apartment has dissolved at the idea of Sangyeon trying to survive an estate sale for an embroidered cowboy pillow.

Sangyeon, for all his merits, probably would have simply offered Jacob a beer and dove in.

“‘Einstein’ is generous. My brain doesn’t work like it used to.”

“Okay, grandpa,” Jaehyun shrugs, guiding him to the kitchen. “Want anything to drink?”

“I’m good, thanks.” He impresses himself with his ability to focus on Jaehyun as he shuffles around getting himself a water instead of the fish tank perched on the kitchen counter. It really draws the eye.

“So, sociology? What is this, like an interview assign-”

“I’m not actually in a sociology class. There’s no assignment.”

“Oh?”

Jacob follows him to the couch, taking care to avoid leaning against the dead lady’s throw pillow. “I lied to Sangyeon.”

“That’s fine,” he shrugs. “I lie to Sangyeon too. ‘Yes, your ass looks good in those pants.’ Stuff like that.”

“I was gonna tell him the truth once I got here, though. If he ended up being the one I talked to.”

Jaehyun looks at him over the rim of his glass. “It’s okay, Jacob. Don’t worry. Not a big deal.”

This is where it starts getting difficult. He knew it would. Suddenly, even the ease up until this point doesn’t seem like enough.

“Jaehyun, I have, um, I have a question.”

“Why so shy?” he asks with a smile. “It’s just you and me and the fish.”

Jacob can’t help but smile, thank God. If he were any more tense, he may turn to stone. “You’re right.”

Jaehyun raises his eyebrows and waves his hand, prompts him to continue.

“I was wondering how you knew you were bi.”

“Oh.”

_Why does everyone react like that? Is it really so hard to believe?_

“Just, you know, out of curiosity. Just wondering.”

Jaehyun smiles and starts, “Well, it wasn’t the easiest thing.” He laughs in the way that people do about things that used to hurt. “I used to be jealous of Sangyeon because he had had years of knowing, and I had to be blindsided.”

“I didn’t know you… didn’t know for so long.”

“Yeah,” he nods, leaning back into the couch. “Mine was a recent revelation.”

He doesn’t want to press, but he needs more. “So… how?”

“It was a funny combination of meeting Sangyeon and watching too many Taemin music videos, I think.”

Jacob’s glad Jaehyun can be funny without being irreverent. He’s gentle in a hidden way. Makes it easier to take.

“So when did you realize?”

He fixes his eyes on the fish tank sitting on their kitchen counter and bites his cheek. “It was late one night. I was just thinking about him. I think I just… realized I wanted him. The way I had wanted girls before.”

Jacob’s short of breath; it’s been happening more and more often lately. “Was it scary?”

“I think it could have been a lot worse.” He catches Jacob’s eyes and asks, “Are _you_ scared?”

He knew this would happen. At some point, without his guidance, people would stop pretending he was asking for someone else. They would stop pretending he was just curious about his friends, would stop covering for him. And Jaehyun’s always been a straight shooter. “I don’t know why I am. I’ve always been fine with everyone else. And I’m not _not fine_ with it, I just-”

“It’s not what you imagined for yourself.”

He nods.

“It’s not what I had imagined for myself either. You know, I was a sporty kid. I like superhero movies and cars. I hadn’t grown up feeling like I was different.” He gives Jacob some time with that and then adds, “But I can still be all that _and_ this. And I’m happy. If I had shunned it because it isn’t what I thought I would be, then I would have missed out on him.”

_I would have missed out on him._

It makes Jacob think of the past couple weeks.

What has he been missing?

“It doesn’t feel exactly the same, though.”

Jaehyun nods and sips his water. “Yeah, it doesn’t. I think for some people it might. But it took a _lot_ of thinking to realize that what I was feeling was the same emotion with different edges. I don’t recommend all that thinking, by the way.”

_Too late._

“These edges are sharper,” he jokes.

“So you like a guy.”

“Yeah.” His voice doesn’t even waver.

“And you’re trying to figure out if you’re bi.”

“Yeah.”

Jaehyun sets his glass down on the carpet (they still don’t have a coffee table), playing a dangerous game of balance. Leans back and says, “My advice: don’t overthink it. All that time up in my head sucked. And I really think that I would have ended up a lot happier a lot quicker if I had just gone with it.”

“How long?”

He hums and pantomimes counting on his fingers. “Like, three months? And I was lucky. Some people spend forever with it.” Waits for Jacob to meet his eyes and raises his brows, asks, “How long have you been thinking about it?”

“Well, I’m very proactive. Only, I don’t know, two weeks? Maybe more.”

“And what do you think?”

Jacob knows what he thinks. He felt the shift.

It was like seeing that photo of the universe, realizing that he had found what his soul wanted. Like thinking about the huge, dark _everything_ and feeling his heart race.

“I think I might know.”

Jaehyun’s toothy smile is infectious. Lucky for him and everyone he laughs with. “Well then I suggest no more thinking. Just do it.”

Jacob’s thought about Kevin a lot recently. Thought, in the most clinical way, about being with him. He’s analyzed the ideas of holding his hand and kissing him and going on dates. Imagined things that made him squirm at first and made some google searches he never thought he’d be clearing out of his history.

He’s thought about the time they’ve already spent together.

“You sound like Sangyeon.”

“One of the most annoying things about being in love. You know that couples start to look like each other? _So_ annoying. I hope he starts looking like me and not the other way around.”

“I, uh, I think… thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he grins. “I won’t tell Sangyeon unless you want me to.”

“Just give me a little more time. I need to tell someone else first.”

“Your guy?”

“Nah, Younghoon.”

Jaehyun stands and narrowly avoids knocking over his glass as he walks Jacob to the door. “Hey, when you tell him, remind him he owes me money.”

“Owes you money?”

“Something about sea slugs.”

Funny. The financing for ten thousand coffee filters had to come from somewhere, he supposes.

~

Jacob had figured that he would have felt different after. Like the ground would feel firmer, the air would be clearer. Like the world would have bent to acknowledge his personal sea change. But he mostly feels the same.

Probably because he had already known going in. Has known ever since he first reached for those starry picks for peace.

He had told Younghoon before he left who he was seeing and what he was looking for, so he isn’t surprised to see him slumped over his laptop at his desk, having stayed back at the dorm instead of going somewhere better to study.

“Why, hello, Jacob,” he greets, doing a horrible job of feigning only moderate interest. “How was your visit with our dear friend Jaehyun?”

“I’m bi, Younghoon.”

“Oh!” he beams. “Can I hug you?”

Smiling has been a conscious effort lately. He’s relieved his lips haven’t forgotten and relishes the ease of it all. Nods and lets Younghoon pull him in.

Younghoon doesn’t ever pull away, just talks behind Jacob’s ear. “Does it feel good?”

He tries to control his smile before his cheeks cramp, but it really isn’t worth it. “Yeah.”

He gives Younghoon another five seconds and then pulls away, laughing at the pout on his face.

“So are you really chill about it or should we order a pride flag?”

“No flag. For now.”

“I like it,” he nods. “I like your style. Always open for whatever.”

He snorts a laugh. “That’s a lie.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“What are you working on?”

“Oh, you know, just fish stuff.” He looks back at his laptop mournfully. “I really don’t wanna do this, though. It’s like… fish economics. Not even _real_ fish stuff. Just fake human stuff that now affects fish because we suck.”

“Fish economics?”

“Fisheries,” he explains. “Are you gonna ask Kevin out?”

That certainly helps relax his smile. “I hadn’t really thought about it too much.”

Younghoon looks confused, which is understandable. He had been there as Jacob drowned himself in thoughts of nothing _but_ Kevin. “I mean, I’ve thought about it. But mostly, like, as a tool. To figure out whether I like guys. Not as an actual option.”

“Okay,” he starts, dragging out the last syllable, the same way he texts. “But it _is_ an option.”

“I think I just… I know it doesn’t make sense, but I need a little more time before I see him.” He tries to hold onto the light energy from earlier, but it’s difficult talking like this. “I need time for it to sink in. It feels different, you know. Just a little bit, but still. And he was basically the catalyst.”

Younghoon looks like a puppy, eyebrows knit up and eyes wide. “I know.” He glances around and adds, “And I know this is your thing. It’s an _important_ thing. But remember where you two were before you put it on pause, and how confused he might be.”

“Well, I-”

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I understand. Just keep it in mind.”

Jacob lets himself be pulled in for another quick hug before Younghoon drags himself back to his fisheries course. Jacob remembers when he signed up for it. He didn’t want to, but his advisor wouldn’t let him construct an ‘all things ocean’ major without it. He was annoyed, but Jacob explained that the advisor was just thinking about the future, minimizing the inevitable questions about his major’s validity.

Younghoon had listened to him. Had let Jacob look out for him, even if it wasn’t what he had wanted to hear.

Sometimes Jacob wishes he was a hypocrite. Life would be so much easier that way.

~

Younghoon leaves him be for a couple more days and watches him go through his usual routine, the one that always ends with his fingers curled around a tiny piece of resin in shallow sleep. Watches him act like nothing’s missing.

The day is late autumn dark, nearly winter cold, and just as Jacob opens the door to leave for the lab, Younghoon reminds him, “Kevin?” A simple question, an implied ‘when?’

It works.

By the end of his shift, he’s dead on his feet and in desperate need of a nap. Fumbling with his stupid keys in the middle of the hall and trying to tune out the crude noises from the room a few doors down doesn’t help his motivation, and he almost gives in to the weight of his eyelids after a day of being on with no reprieve. But he promised himself earlier that he would text Kevin, and he’s put it off for long enough. As odd as seeing him again may be, Jacob isn’t willing to lose him. Only one thing to do.

He allows himself time to set his things down and change into sweats before he checks his phone.

Turns out, he wasn’t the first to crack. Two missed calls, only one with a message.

He wishes he had beaten Kevin to the punch. Whatever is in the message will be true. He can’t help but feel put on the spot, like he’s on the defensive now.

Take a deep breath, hope Kevin is forgiving.

“Hi, Jacob.” His voice is small, not angry. Jacob can’t decide whether that’s better or worse.

“It’s been a while. Chanhee has been helpful, but… I don’t know. They’re not you, you know? You’re not my tutor anymore, you’re my friend. I know you’ve been avoiding me.”

Another deep breath.

“I’m not mad or anything. I’m a little confused.” His voice gets even smaller then and he punctuates it with a forced laugh. It’s painful to listen to.

“I’ve been leaving you alone. I want you to have space if you need it. I really care about you, you’re… one of my closest friends. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know you’re busy. I know all the things you juggle and how your brain doesn’t make things any easier, so I imagine it can get really overwhelming. And I know I’m not a big part of your life. I shouldn’t expect to be.”

That makes Jacob wince.

“But I miss talking to you. I keep wondering how you’re doing, and I wonder whether it’s better or worse that I’m leaving you alone right now. But then I realize that you’re not alone. Obviously. You have your roommate and your friends and everyone. I think- and I know it’s selfish- but I think that I just want to be a part of your life. I miss having you around and sending you texts and having you respond. I know I shouldn’t expect you to be here, but I had gotten used to it. I miss you.”

Jacob reaches for a pick. The royal blue. He tries to focus on the color; he heard somewhere that blue is calming.

“Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I’m here. You don’t have to tell me what’s going on. Of course, I’ll listen if you want. I just kinda miss you. I don’t know, text me if you want, or if you need to. I hope you’re doing okay, Jacob.”

The message ends, Kevin’s voice blinking out and leaving him alone in a quiet room.

When Jacob first started pulling back, it was hard. He still responded to Kevin’s texts and worried over how believable his excuses were. But like all things, it got easier with practice. Soon enough, he was able to create his own little shell where he could sequester himself and evaluate, only accessible to Younghoon and a precious few others. He had the luxury of understanding the situation. The luxury of choice.

Kevin never had that. Kevin had to watch him retreat, and he had to let go. Jacob stepped back and Kevin had to walk alone in the dark, never knowing why he had left in the first place.

Of course Jacob had considered that.

But he had been afraid.

Each day is easier than the last, but he’s _still_ afraid. A nasty side effect of thinking too much about himself.

Even so, this voicemail is worse.

It’s inspiring; all the things he needs to say flood his already exhausted brain. Things like ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I shouldn’t have ignored you’ and ‘I never expected to find someone like you’. Things like ‘I write down every movie you tell me about so I can watch it later’ and ‘I can’t remember the names of any of my roommate’s horde of stuffed animals except the one you gave him’.

Things like ‘I wish I had worked through my own head faster so you never had to wonder whether you were important to me’.

He’s never had to say those things before, but he knows enough to realize they’re not over-the-phone conversations. So, even though it’s not enough, he starts the only way he knows how.

_Are you free tonight?_

He’s so tired. Too tired to spend the night awake with Kevin. But he won’t be able to sleep if he doesn’t start to rebuild.

_We could get ice cream_

_Or if it’s too cold, hot cocoa_

Fourteen minutes until he gets a reply; he keeps count.

_definitely hot cocoa_

_it's so much colder now, like freezing_

_meet at our little coffee shop_

_8 okay? they close early_

_Sounds perfect_

_Don’t bother with cash, I’m paying_

It’s all he can do to hope Kevin can feel his nerves through the screen, can intuit his kneeling for forgiveness.

_see u then_

It’s all he needs.

~

He’s sitting at Kevin’s second favorite table (the first is taken by two girls running themselves ragged on a group project) by 7:43. The first time they met, Kevin was late. Jacob’s glad he waited then. He hopes Kevin would do the same for him now but figured it’s best to err on the side of caution. _Something_ has to happen tonight.

Even if it’s just hot cocoa. If Kevin walks through the door wearing a puffy winter coat with no enamel pins underneath and a beanie Jacob’s never seen before. If they talk about work and never find their way off topic until Jacob forces it. Or if Kevin shows up and tells him he doesn’t need help anymore, and he doesn’t pull out his sketchbook, and he doesn’t tell him about the most recent astrophysics headline he understood on the first try. As long as Jacob can find a way to tell him that he _is_ a big part of his life, irrespective of whether he wants to be or not. Just because he’s Kevin, and in _this_ reality, _this_ universe, Jacob wants him.

The bell above the door chimes and a burly, bearded man steps in.

Jacob waits.

It chimes again, this time for an older person, probably a professor. And then again for a tired-looking kid Jacob has seen around the physics building a couple times, always too early in the morning.

8:08. A girl with long purple hair and a skater type hanging off her arm.

But Kevin would wait for him. Kevin _did_ wait for him.

He starts to feel bad about taking up a table without ordering anything, so he asks for an ice water at the counter just to have something to put on the table. Kevin was right, though; it’s too cold for it.

It’s 8:17 when his heart jumps at the bell for the last time.

Kevin stands at the door for a moment and Jacob gets up to greet him, hands shaking. The second Kevin sees him, Jacob knows he’s okay. It’s in the way his eyes light up. If Jacob were closer, he would be able to spot the galaxies in them.

As Jacob guides them both back to the table, Kevin apologizes, “I’m so sorry. Changmin is having a rough night, and I had to wait for Chanhee to get there-”

“It’s okay,” he promises. “You and I wait for each other.” Nothing wrong with a little priming.

“Déjà vu,” he says with a hesitant laugh.

Kevin’s gloved hands are dusted with dissolving snowflakes. “Is it snowing?”

“A little bit.”

“Are they warm?” he asks, pointing to his hands, now folded on the tabletop.

“Yeah.”

He wants Kevin to smile. Misses seeing it. But he figures he has some explaining to do first. “How do you like your cocoa?”

Focused more on carefully removing his gloves than hot chocolate, he answers, “Uh, marshmallows and whipped cream, please. I’ve never ordered it here before so I don’t know whether they do, but if they have mint, then that too.”

“Noted,” he smiles. His hands are still shaking when he orders at the counter. The baristas are fluttering around between the counter and the open kitchen like moths, erratic. Mirroring Jacob. He taps his foot to the beat of a song he can’t remember the name of until they hand him the mugs. Sends a quick smile to the barista and walks back to the table with more care than he’s ever devoted to not spilling before.

He sets Kevin’s down in front of him and watches the smile he’s been waiting on shine. Jacob can’t help but smile too.

Simple entanglement: particles become quantumly linked, and even great distance can’t sever the connection. As one does, so does the other. They’re together. Across weeks, across excuses and too much time thinking, he and Kevin are together.

“So I guess you listened to that embarrassing voicemail.” He’s looking down into his mug; the tips of his ears are pink. He laughs and adds, “I just hadn’t done anything dramatic yet today. Had to do something, you know?” He shrugs and sips his cocoa, waits for Jacob to brush it off.

That’s not what he had intended for tonight, though.

“I actually have to apologize.”

“Well, I mean-”

“No, really, Kevin.” He waits for Kevin to catch his eyes before he continues. “I totally left you hanging. I should have just spent time with you. I really should have. I wanted to. I feel bad for just… ignoring you. I shouldn’t have. I’m really sorry.”

Kevin bites his lip and furrows his brows. The puzzle look. The first night they met, his messy hair and his name on Jacob’s screen. Except now the puzzle isn’t elementary particles and models of the universe, it’s just Jacob. “I’m not mad. I want that to be clear. I know, well, I know life is really hard. Sometimes you need a breather.” He shrugs again and Jacob wishes he wasn’t quite so forgiving, so lovely; he _already_ isn’t sure if he has a chance. “But I accept your apology.”

Relief. “I was so glad you said you’d meet me tonight. I really wanted to see you again.”

Kevin pulls at the fingers of the gloves lying on the table and gently says, “I meant what I said on the message. If you want to tell someone anything at all, I’ll listen.”

“You- on the message, you said you thought you weren’t a big part of my life. You really _are_ , Kevin. You’re one of my best friends. You- you really matter to me.”

His eyes grow wider still. And _yes_ , _there they are_. Galaxies. Like that photo, the one that started it all. Kevin reminds him _so_ _much_ of that photo.

“That- that was such an embarrassing voicemail.”

Jacob nods but says, “I’m glad you sent it. I needed to hear it.”

“I needed to say it.” Jacob can hear his feet tapping under the table. “You, well, I guess you already know because I said it. Or, I basically said it. I can’t remember _exactly_.” He grimaces and cuts to the chase. “You matter to me too. You know, same page.”

He can’t help it; he smiles. Wonders if this is how Younghoon felt when he realized he was okay.

Their cocoa goes cold over conversation. A little bit of classes, a little bit of Kevin’s friend’s research project, a little bit of gossip about people Jacob’s never met. The only time they mention the universe, it’s when Kevin is telling Jacob about an episode of a podcast he recently listened to, not how Jacob sees it in the way Kevin’s hands hold a sketching pencil.

And that’s good. That’s exactly what tonight was meant for.

“God, I hope they aren’t fucking when I get back there,” Kevin groans with his face in his hands.

Laughing, Jacob says, “I don’t know, with Chanhee it’s a distinct possibility.”

“I could handle it if it was just the two of them,” he counters, brandishing a coffee stir. “But ever since they picked up Younghoon-”

“Wait, what?”

Kevin’s jaw drops. “You don’t-? Wait, you don’t know about the three of them?”

“No?”

Jacob can tell Kevin’s thinking it through before he hazards, “I don’t think it’s a secret. But it’s also not really my story to tell… _so_ , you should ask Younghoon about it tonight.”

He has felt for at least a year now that he’s seen everything Younghoon can be. That nothing will surprise him anymore. He’s always so glad when he’s proven wrong. “I guess I’ll have to.”

“Jacob?”

The way he says his name is like the subtle singing of space.

“Yeah?”

“We’re good, right?”

_We’re too good._

“We’re good, Kevin. I’m sor-”

“Okay. I just wanted to be sure.”

_I like you. It’s not your fault._

He should say it. He should rip the bandage off and truly explain himself.

_I’m used to all the uncertainty in my life coming from my brain, not my heart. But here you are._

_I know myself better now. Do you want to know what I’ve learned?_

“Be sure.”

It’s not a good enough answer, but Kevin smiles at him like it is.

~

His teeth are chattering as he turns the doorknob. Younghoon greets him quietly from where he’s bundled up against the cold in his bed, but Jacob’s more focused on shedding his flurry-dusted coat and slipping into one of the pairs of fuzzy socks Chanhee got him last Christmas than replying.

“Hey,” Younghoon tries again.

Jacob holds out his palm in a silent ‘wait’.

“Hey,” he tries again, whinier this time.

Jacob sits on the floor, still trying to wrestle his socks on.

“Cobie,” he calls far too loudly for the hour.

“What?” he asks, not even trying very hard to sound frustrated.

“How did it go? All I get is a ‘gonna go see Kevin’ text, and no explanation?”

“I actually have a question for _you_ .” Younghoon’s lips are just starting to pull down in a pout when he continues, “It went fine. What’s up with you and Chanhee _and_ Changmin?”

“Oh.” Jacob climbs up to his own bed and from there, even in the low light, he can see Younghoon’s blush. He chews on the inside of his cheek to try to suppress a smile. “It’s… you know.”

“I truly do not,” Jacob laughs. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re, what, dating? Two people? I’m your roommate, man!”

Younghoon loses against his lips and smiles like the sun. Laughing, he defends, “You were in gay crisis! What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey, I know your world is spinning off its axis right now, but I have two partners, isn’t that cool?’”

“It wasn’t _spinning off its axis-_ ”

“It was a little bit,” Younghoon teases.

“Hey, no matter what’s happening with me, I always wanna hear about you.” He keeps the sunny tone, trusts Younghoon to take it to heart. After a few seconds of silence, he presses, “So tell me!”

“I mean… I don’t know wha-”

“When?”

Younghoon smiles and grabs one of his stuffed animals, a well-loved raccoon that’s seen better days. “When I went over to talk to Chanhee after, you know. They told me it was okay and we talked for a while, and they told me Changmin and them had been talking. They asked if they could text Changmin to come over, I said okay. We just… talked. For a long time, I think. They both asked if I knew what polyamory was and told me they liked me and that I could have some time to think it over.”

“You didn’t need time, though, did you?” Jacob says more than asks.

Younghoon snorts. “Of course I didn’t. I’ve been in love with Chanhee for _years_ and friends with Changmin for a while, and have you _seen_ him? Wasn’t a hard question when they asked whether I could see myself dating the two of them.”

“So even with Changmin? Him too? And it’s not, I don’t know, an issue?”

“I mean, it’s taken some adjustment,” he laughs, squeezing the raccoon’s puffy cheeks. “But I really like him. I feel comfortable with him, and he’s sweet. And Chanhee really loves him.” He leans back and smiles coyly. “I’m just… happy. I’m so happy.”

Jacob slumps back against his pillows and says, “You deserve it, Younghoon.”

“Not to be sappy,” he teases.

“Yeah, not to be sappy. But you do.”

“Jacob, you’re a good friend.”

“Tha-”

“But not a _very_ good friend if you don’t tell me about what happened with Kevin.”

“Wow. Quite the one-eighty there.”

“I know what I want,” he replies with a shrug. “I wanna know that everything’s okay and I’m gonna get Angel Jacob back.”

“Have I not been angelic?” he jokes.

“More of a ghost.”

Jacob’s not sure how he’s supposed to respond.

“So, was he mad?” Younghoon prompts.

He thinks back to the look on Kevin’s face when they met eyes. How he can’t help but think of stars when he looks at him. How Kevin has always taken what Jacob’s been able to give him and come back with so much more. “No, he wasn’t mad. He was understanding and compassionate, exactly what I knew he would be. No surprises.”

Younghoon sighs in relief. “Oh, good. Does he feel the same? Obviously it’s gonna be okay if he doesn’t. He sounds like a great friend-”

“I haven’t told him yet.”

Younghoon’s jaw falls open like a cartoon character’s. “What? What did you even tell him, then?”

“I apologized for ignoring him and told him I’ve been going through a lot. Which _isn’t_ a lie, so I don’t see the problem.”

Now that part is a lie. Jacob isn’t blind. He had _wanted_ to tell him, wanted to set the record straight and leave no room for interpretation. But something in his resolve had fallen through. So they sat and had cocoa and mended what they could and then they left, and Kevin never learned what was happening in Jacob’s head.

“I just… don’t you want to… be with him?”

“I mean, you took your time with Chanhee.”

“They were in a relationship. Which I am now a _part_ of, but that’s beside the point. Kevin is available-”

“ _Probably_ available. Remember he called that kid ‘baby’ at the show-”

“That literally doesn’t mean anything, Jacob. In all the time you’ve known each other, has he ever actually mentioned dating someone?”

What an unfair question. Jacob’s mind has been like a sieve for so long now, and even though he’s nearly one hundred percent sure he would have remembered Kevin talking about a significant other, he can’t be positive. “I don’t know.”

“Well,” Younghoon starts, voice softening. “There’s only one way to be the one he mentions.”

“It’s hard,” he whines. He wants to pull the covers up around his chin and listen to Sam Kim and drift off to sleep before he gets into his head again.

Younghoon throws his hands up in a shrug. “I know. The worthwhile things are hard, though.”

“Why are you so reasonable all of a sudden?”

“What do you mean ‘all of a sudden’? I’ve always been a fountain of wisdom,” he insists. “And you advised me on Chanhee. And now I have two people who cuddle me and buy me bread at little coffee shops, so I figured I really should return the favor.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jacob gives in, trying to get comfortable even though he’s still in jeans.

“So you’ll tell him?” Younghoon asks, eyebrow quirked in suspicion.

“One condition,” Jacob answers, holding up a finger. Younghoon’s eyes widen and he nods. “Get me some sweatpants from my drawer.”

Sure, Younghoon rolls his eyes, but the pants feel just as soft as they would have if they had been delivered on a silver platter with a smile. He’ll take what he can get.

Whatever the universe is willing to give him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there, folks! I hope you've enjoyed reading so far and I hope you'll enjoy the little ending I have in my pocket right now, too. It's been really nice reading your comments as I post, and I wanna thank you for supporting this story!
> 
> As always, remember my dog loves you <3


	5. Supernova

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supernova - a powerful and luminous stellar explosion
> 
> A bit like an end, even more like a beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, folks! A shiny little bow to finish it off. I never expected this piece to be so long when I was planning it out, but it really kinda took on its own thing and wrote itself, and this is just the little cherry on top. Hope you all like it!

It’s as if the universe knew he would need a little push.

Jacob isn’t sure exactly when he decided tonight was the night. Was it when he first received the email from Dr. Park about a talk on supernovae happening on campus? Was it when he asked Kevin whether he’d like to join him? Or was it when he woke up this morning, chest tight with the coming talk hanging over him unlike any physics event ever had before?

It doesn’t matter when it happened; the idea has possessed him. Tonight or never.

This time,  _ he _ offered to walk together. He waits outside Kevin’s building bundled tightly in the thickest coat he owns. It’s snowing in thick flurries, turning the sky into a white and deep blue Pollock, and Jacob’s glad it is. Kevin will like it.

They don’t talk much on the walk to the physics building, but they do pause for Kevin to throw a snowball at Jacob’s arm and for Jacob to brush it off and threaten to return the favor. It snows harder the longer they walk, and by the time Kevin’s rushing to hold the door open, his hat is covered in tiny snowflakes.

Jacob can’t fight the sense of déjà vu as he signs them in, falling back into his memory of the night of Changmin’s show. Had Kevin been this nervous? Probably not; he hadn’t been planning to confess. Tonight is more than just a physics talk.

“Jacob,” Kevin says, touching his elbow lightly. Jacob feels his back go rigid, unused to the feeling of someone touching him so delicately.

“Mhmm?”

“When does this thing start?” he asks, pulling Jacob backward through the hallway and toward the lobby.

“Uh, in about eight, maybe nine minutes. We’re here a little early.”

“Can we talk?”

Kevin’s voice betrays nothing. It’s terrifying.

“About?” he asks, trying to pour as much honey in his voice as possible, entice Kevin to stay before he ever gets the idea to leave.

“I- us. I need to say something.”

_ Us. What ‘us’ is there to talk about? _

“Yeah, sure.”

Kevin meets his eyes and falters. He breaks out in a stilted laugh. “Sorry, I’m nervous. Really, I’m sorry. This is supposed to be an apology.”

_ An apology? _ “It’s fine, don’t be nervous.”  _ Why are you the one who’s nervous? _ “What is it?”

Kevin composes himself and says, “I think I know why you were avoiding me.”

“Oh.”

He holds his hands up, clutching the gloves Jacob gave him tightly. “No, it’s okay. Like, I know we already kinda discussed it, but I just… I’m really sorry.”

He gives Jacob time to respond, but he’s not sure what to say. So Kevin continues, “I tried really hard to not make you uncomfortable. Cause you’re one of my best friends, you know?” He shakes his hands out and meets Jacob’s eyes again. “But I obviously did anyway, and I want you to know that being your friend is what’s important to me.”

“I… I don’t think I understand.” He feels like laughing, the kind of laughing he does when it’s late and nothing makes sense and it’s been too long since he looked up. When he’s lost.

“I like you, Jacob. But I think it was making you uncomfortable, which I totally understand, so I want you to know that we don’t have to keep-”

“You like me.” It doesn’t sound right to him.

“I, yeah, I’m sorry-”

“You’re sorry?” This isn’t how he wanted it to go.

“Yes? I mean, you were gone for-”

“Wait, I’m sorry for interrupting. I just…” Kevin’s like a deer in headlights. Jacob’s brain is working too fast.

But maybe Kevin’s will run alongside.

“Do you remember when we were talking about the multiverse theory?”

Quickly, Kevin tries to adjust to the shift. Scrambles to take over the desperately confused role Jacob’s handed him. “Yes? What does that have to do with-”

“I told you it didn’t matter because it isn’t observable. It isn’t compatible with the way we’ve been operating. You told me I need to look at things differently. You were right, I was scared of having to think in new ways.”

Kevin listens attentively, but Jacob can tell he’s lost.

“The only thing we’ve ever seen is our universe, right? But, if one day, the expansion slowed just enough that light from other universes could get here in time for us to observe it, then we would see them. Universes just as real and important as ours, but different.”

“Yeah? Yes, I know.”

“I still don’t believe in the significance of that theory, okay? But I- you made me think. Things that are incompatible with what I’ve already seen  _ do _ matter.”

“Uh-huh?” he agrees, mouth hanging open just slightly, head cocked to the side like a confused puppy. “But I don’t see what it has to do with-”

“You were different from what I’d seen before, I think. That’s what I’m getting to, Kevin. You’re the multiverse. Except the light finally got here.”

Jacob can tell he’s trying to root through the analogy for meaning, but still, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“I’ve never liked a guy before.”  _ That’s it. Finally. _ “But you… I don’t even know how long I’ve felt this way. Somewhere, I stopped thinking of you just as a friend.”

And now the dam has broken.

“I keep the picks you gave me by my bed and I touch them when I’m overwhelmed. I wear these all the time,” he rambles, grabbing his earlobe to show off the tiny stars he’s worn more than any other pair of earrings he owns. “I don’t think I’ve ever done so much thinking about my own feelings before. It was like how I think about cosmology, these big ideas that felt like they might change my life. Maybe. Maybe that’s too dramatic. I was thinking about you a lot-”

“Oh, Jacob-”

“You reminded me that everything started with the universe, all of this that I’m doing now. Everything I love thinking about. There’s a photo that the Hubble telescope took of thousands of galaxies, and it always makes me think of you. And I know that’s a  _ really _ intense thing to say right now, but…”

“But?” Kevin prompts. He’s come closer since Jacob started talking, slight and tinged with uncertainty but with a smile hiding just behind his lips, threatening to crease the corners of his eyes. He presses out the space between them, gentle. Quiet. Patient.

Jacob’s empty. Finally weightless, free-fall floating. It felt good to say, and he’s done. His hands shake and he smiles on impulse, nerves like electric wire. “I don’t know.”

Kevin’s lips press together tightly and his eyes shine bright. He asks, “Jacob, what do you want?”

Now’s not the time for hesitation, but it gives him a second of pause. Jacob thinks about Jaehyun, what he said about everything being worth it.

_ Everything is going to be worth it. _

“I want you.”

He recalls when Kevin was still new to him. He reminded Jacob of his other friends in bits and pieces; he had always been mesmerized by the way it all came together to create someone so unique. Someone who smiles brightly in a way he can’t resist. Someone with pen smeared on the side of his hand, someone with bangs just long enough to tuck behind his ear and pastel blue hardware on his jackets. Someone who texts Jacob just because he wants to and who stopped when he began to think it was hurting.

“Good thing I want you, too.”

His heart is pounding. The walls of the hallway press in. He prays Kevin can’t sense just how nervous he is.

But, of course, that’s too much to ask. It’s Kevin.

“Are you okay with that?”

“Of course,” he breathes. “I just… so far, it’s all felt a little different. But I want to be with you.” Jaehyun had said it would be scary, but Jacob wasn’t expecting these fringe theory nerves.

“Okay,” Kevin nods. “Then we can go slow.”

“I mean, it’s nothing I can’t get over. Just sort of new.”

Kevin meets his eyes and says, “I get it. I mean, I  _ really _ get it.”

Jacob nods and feels his heart slow to a steady beat. Kevin assures him and lulls him to peace, lets him take up all the space and time he needs. “This is the worst thing to say right now, but I think it might start soon.”

Kevin bats at his shoulder like he has so many times before, and it’s what Jacob needs. A tiny sense of normalcy, a promise that they can hold onto the things they’ve always had, build a house of new on the foundations of Kevin and Jacob. “Okay. Let’s go, then.”

“Wait.”

He cocks his head to the side, and Jacob knows he’s being confusing. But he’s been sitting on a racing heart and failing memory (which somehow always manages to recall Kevin’s favorite songs and brands of marker) for too long to be satisfied with ‘okay’.

“It’s new, but I don’t want  _ nothing  _ to change.”

“Okay,” Kevin nods, extending a hand. “Then hold my hand.”

That’s an ‘okay’ that Jacob’s fine with.

Kevin’s hand is soft. Cold, but that’s what Jacob expected. Someday he’ll hold Kevin’s hands in his and rub tiny circles over his knuckles, press them between his own and warm them up. For now, it’s something of his imagination. But Kevin nodded. He said ‘okay’ and promised things will change, and soon Jacob won’t have to imagine treating Kevin softly. He’ll just do it.

He leads Kevin through the hallway to the lecture hall, trying hard to forget everyone who might notice them. Just for now, just for tonight.

All the times Jacob imagined coming out, he only ever thought of himself and Kevin. Everyone else was inconsequential. But here he is now, shuffling through rows of seats with a boy in tow, and they’re not in a vacuum. It’s something that will get easier with time, he assumes. It will have to.

“Your fingertips are rough,” Kevin muses once they sit down. “From guitar?”

He nods. “I haven’t played in a while. But the calluses are still there.”

“You should play for me sometime.” He leans into Jacob’s arm slowly, giving him the chance to pull away. He doesn’t. With time, with practice, it will get easier. “We could be a stereotype. Picture this.” He sweeps his free hand out in front of them, setting the scene. “You, sitting on a stool and strumming away on your guitar, using one of those pretty picks, obviously. I spent a lot of time rooting through the internet for those. And me, working on something artsy in my sketchbook, looking  _ breathtaking _ -”

“Do I also look breathtaking in this scenario?”

“Have you looked in the mirror lately? That’s a given,” he dismisses. Jacob’s heart flutters.

“So anyways, I’m looking gorgeous. And I’m creating some great work of art like a sketch of a cat in a mug or something and listening to my… you playing something pretty.”

Jacob’s heart gets hung up on ‘my’ and he leaves it there. He’s spent so much time picking it apart, treating his feelings for Kevin like a thought experiment, that he imagines it’s okay to let himself fall apart over a little ‘my’ every once in a while. It’s okay to let himself look at Kevin the way he always did with the girls that took his breath away. “Sounds nice.”

Kevin squeezes his hand and Jacob feels his energy. A touch of the jitters he had that first night they met.

Slowly, the room fills up around them. Jacob asks, “How long? Just out of curiosity.”

“Huh?” he asks, his bottom lip tucked under his teeth.

“How long have you, you know, felt like this?”

“What, gay?” he laughs.

“ _ No _ ,” Jacob hisses, rolling his eyes. “About me.”

Kevin leans harder into his side and says, “It’s really shallow and embarrassing.”

“Well now you have to tell me.”

Kevin huffs with feigned annoyance. “God, you’re irritating.” Squeezes Jacob’s hand again and smiles at him like autumn light coming through the law library windows. Jacob doesn’t think he meant to; it casts doubt on his ornery performance. “As soon as I saw you.”

“That  _ is _ shallow.”

Kevin shoves him and insists, “I have  _ eyes _ , so that was just, like, physical attraction.” His cheeks redden and Jacob fights against helpless endearment. “But your personality… it took longer, but not  _ much _ longer. When I walked back to my building that night, I knew I was gonna be thinking about you for a long time.”

“All we even did that night was talk about physics.”

“Okay, but look at it from my end. I show up to meet my tutor and he’s  _ massively _ hot-”

“I don’t know if ‘massively’ is a valid modifier of ‘hot’-”

“And he’s patient, and sweet, and he doesn’t make fun of me for my Beyoncé obsession.”

“In all fairness, I have since done that.”

“Yeah, but I already liked you then. No going back,” he shrugs. “Now I want to know about you. If you wanna share, obviously,” he quickly amends.

“Hmm,” he hums, borrowing time.

“You don’t have to,” Kevin assures. He runs his fingers over the back of Jacob’s hand and cocks his head to the side with a soft smile, looking sort of like a cat. He tilts his head toward the platform at the front of the lecture hall and says, “Starting soon, I bet.”

It does. The talk is interesting, full of some of Jacob’s favorite theories and beautiful photos not unlike the ones he has as posters in his bedroom back home.

Kevin looks enthralled throughout the entire thing. Jacob’s seen him grow into his interest in cosmology, and that’s meant a front row seat to watching an artist fall in love with the prettiest things spacetime has to offer. Here, listening to physics like music, he looks gorgeous. He’s hanging on every word, occasionally nudging Jacob when something particularly interesting is presented. Jacob can’t say he’s paying the same attention. He’s a little preoccupied, and it’s a testament to his feelings. Who but Kevin could steal his attention from the death of a star?

“... a suddenly collapsing massive star releasing incredible amounts of energy…”

Kevin’s mouth hangs open slightly, softening the curve of his jaw. Jacob’s never touched it before.

“... very few stars become supernovae. Many die quietly through gradual cooling, eventually becoming dark and cold, hardly a star as we think of it…”

Kevin’s glasses slide down the bridge of his nose, and he uses his free hand to push them up. Never lets go of Jacob, taps on his knuckles when he gets excited. Jacob’s spent so much time looking at those hands.

“... supernovae are an end, but they are also a beginning. The remnants of what they were and the energy they release can trigger the formation of entirely new stars. Everything in balance…”

Kevin was an end, Jacob thinks. He  _ felt _ like an end.

But looking at him now, all Jacob can see is the future.

Looking at him now, Jacob thinks Kevin is a beginning.

~

The air is biting. The heaviest snow so far this season floats down around them, sticks to Kevin’s beanie and melts in Jacob’s hair.

“This is the sort of snow I was waiting for.”

“And the gloves?”

“Still warm.”

Jacob thinks about the brain, folded with its own spacetime, a sort of internal universe. He thinks about Van Gogh’s starry window view. Wonders if they’re Kevin’s Hubble photograph.

“What?” Kevin laughs.

“Nothing,” he whispers, just barely loud enough to be heard over the low whistle of the evening breeze. Reaching out to grab Kevin’s coat sleeve and pull him back, he murmurs, “Can I…?”

Kevin’s bangs brush against his forehead, make his muscles jump in a way he might make fun of Jacob for if his eyes were open to see it. His jaw tenses arrhythmically, from cold or nerves, Jacob isn’t sure. No one is watching them but the stars.

~

Jacob does end up playing for Kevin. He strums away with cosmic acrylic, filling their space with calm. Sometimes he lets his eyes slide closed and floats away, but more often, he watches Kevin. Watches him rub out fine charcoal lines to smoky edges and smile up at Jacob like he’s the shooting star stroke of luck Kevin’s been waiting for. The weight of the guitar in his hands and sight of art supplies littering his tiny dorm room floor, it’s like a new life laid out before him, one he can guide wherever he likes. On days like these, his mind is clear.

Come late March, Kevin has joined the research team his friend is on, going into the lab every few days to find new ways to bring things into focus for people stuck in the fog. Each time he reads a new paper on memory, he sends Jacob the highlights in messages littered with more emojis than he ever used to expect in conjunction with such long, intimidating words. Kevin throws himself into the work and lets Jacob wind him down at the end of long days. Jacob doesn’t hold his breath over whatever the lab finds; his heart has felt steadier lately, and it's bled over to his brain, too. Something like a cure.

Jacob’s walls slowly fill with drawings in Kevin’s style, which makes it more difficult to pack everything up to move into the apartment he and Younghoon find. But it’s cheap, and it gets good light, and the owner of the building lets Jacob up to the roof to stargaze. A month in, he and Younghoon organize a dinner for the two of them, Kevin, Changmin, and Chanhee. It’s the loudest the apartment has been since they found it, and the dishwashing afterward makes Jacob want to cry, but it’s the best dinner he can remember having. And he remembers more each day.

He remembers birthdays and directions. He remembers meetings, interviews, and the names of the different celebrities Younghoon gushes about to him. He remembers an anniversary.

Younghoon’s gone for the night. The apartment is quiet and Kevin lies curled into Jacob’s side, icy feet pressed to his legs despite his protests. One thing Jacob  _ can’t _ remember is how many times he’s told him. It’s a gift to have lost track. “I love you.”

“I know,” he whispers and giggles when Jacob huffs and turns away. “No, come back,” he trills, wrapping his arms around him. Whispered into the back of Jacob’s neck and punctuated with a tiny kiss between his shoulder blades, “I love you.”

It doesn’t take much to get him to turn back around. He wants to look at Kevin. The first time he ever saw him was against a backdrop of stars; theirs has been a story told at night. But, no matter how many times he’s seen it, Jacob doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the sight of Kevin bathed in moonlight. The curve of his cheeks against Jacob’s pillows, the quirk of his lips as he tells a joke he’s already used to see if Jacob will call him on it. It’s Kevin.

“Younghoon is moving out. Gonna live with his people.”

Kevin furrows his eyebrows and tangles his arms with Jacob’s. “Oh?”

“I was thinking… maybe you could move in.”

His smile like a crescent moon, galaxy eyes. His moonlight skin flecked with paint like a smattering of distant stars. Jacob’s bed, their universe.

“If you want to.”

“I want to.”

Jacob has thought so much about  _ want _ .

Before, he had found what occupied his mind and kept him happy and followed it to the twisted brambles of boredom. Things to fluff his resumé, things to put his name on and take to conferences. Very few things to love. He had pushed himself and let himself be pushed, and he had watched as his friends tried to prop him up.

He remembers that list with the star scribbled next to ‘astrophysics’. What he wants. Remembers Kevin’s favorite table at their café. Who he wanted.

He took the time to think about himself.

Now, he knows what shape his quietest daydreams take. Softness, good feeling, a home in his own mind. He knows he deserves it, Kevin’s glasses tossed haphazardly on his bedside table, the deep exhaustion of poring over work he  _ cares about _ . He knows those feelings are out there, and he knows how to make them.

Sometimes it’s calling Sangyeon for no other reason than to say hi.

Sometimes it’s working through dense theory and spaces millennia-wide to find something beautiful.

Sometimes it’s combing his fingers through Kevin’s hair until he falls asleep curled into his lap.

It’s all the same, really.

It’s all star stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! It's been real! I hope you enjoyed reading this and I hope you remember that my dog loves you!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! I think the next chapter is a little longer than this one, and I hope to have that out kinda soon?? Idk. If you liked this, talk to me in the comments! Hope you have a great day <3 remember my dog loves you


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